Entry #27: Beautiful Stranger

There is a common fantasy among the male population. I am not sure if any women have the same fantasy, as I have never asked, but I would suspect it is so for them as well.

It goes like this.

You wait and wait for the day a beautiful stranger will appear in your life and everything you know will change and you live together happily ever after. It could happen, right?

Well, the first half of that happened to me. The night Annie walked up to me was just like thousands of other nights until that moment. I never knew what hit me. I was so mesmerized that I completely missed the start of the conversation. It took a few minutes for me to realize she was actually speaking to me and asking me questions.

Those first few moments changed my life forever. I knew in an instant that this was the moment I had lived my life for. When our eyes locked, we both seemed to recognize at the same time that something scary and at the same time, beautiful was happening to us both. Through everything that transpired from that night on, I could never understand how two people coming from such different places could meet and form an instant bond, while not knowing anything about the other.

I was never sure which of us was more afraid of what was to come. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone and she was afraid of any interactions with men. Her eyes, which were black as coal when we first met, hid her emotions. Yet within minutes I could see subtle changes as the tension in her posture relaxed.

I never tired of watching her change when she was with me. We spent countless hours watching each other in all types of situations. We communicated with each other even in the most intimate moments without speaking a word. I learned exactly what she lacked and desired and how to please her in every way. I waited my whole life for her and she was so much more than I could have ever hoped for.

Annie opened my eyes to people and lifestyles I never experienced before and once I did know, I could not live without them or her. Her joy became mine and her issues became my issues.

When she was ripped from my life, I was left with nothing. All that remains is a black hole where I find my peace and solace in the memories of our life together. I trust few people and put on a happy face when I need to deal with others. But…it is all a lie and a hollow life now.

There will never be another beautiful stranger like Annie in my life. When the fantasy becomes reality, it only happens once in a lifetime.

Entry #18: It’s a Black Tie Thing (part2)

The band arrived in San Francisco, retrieved our luggage and instruments and sure enough, Steve had a bus waiting to take us to the hotel. Steve was in the ballroom attending to details and welcomed us and had one of his assistants shuffle us through check in and gave us a time for sound check. Everything seemed to be as discussed and he said our clothes were already in our rooms. He pulled me aside and invited Annie and I to lunch with Jean and himself. He said Annie was already out with Jean and they would meet us at lunchtime.

I needed some time to clean up so I headed up to our room and sure enough, Annie’s stuff was already in the room and hanging up were two garment bags. One had a nice black suit for me and one was obviously for Annie. I took a quick peek inside and was a little worried about her dress. It was a sparkly purple in color, a color she never wore and while I didn’t pull it out of the bag it seemed to be hanging a little weird. There were also matching heels that seemed awful high.

We all met up a bit later and when Annie gave me a hug and kiss she whispered something French in my ear and Steve heard her. When getting ready to sit, Steve pushed himself between Annie and Jean. I immediately became uneasy as I am always so protective of her.

From out of nowhere, Steve and Jean began a conversation with Annie in french. It became a threeway conversation with a lot of laughing, and some blushing from Annie as they looked over at me and would say something else they thought funny. Since I don’t speak french, and understand so little, I seemed to be the butt of their jokes and comments.

Annie was going out again with Jean and said she would meet me in the ballroom shortly before the show and to just go ahead and get dressed when I needed to. As Steve and I left he told me how much he liked Annie and thought she was a perfect match for me. She had reluctantly told him about our plans to get married in a few months and Steve said once we were all settled he wanted us to visit their place in England.

The sound check went fine and all seemed to be in order, so the guys all went to our rooms to get ready and agreed to meet for drinks like we always do before a show. Steve and I were the first two down and we were hanging out in front of the stage with drinks when Annie and Jean walked in. I was facing away and didn’t know they were there until I heard Steve say “Holy Shit.” I quickly turned around and couldn’t believe what I saw.

Annie was walking across the room towards us. She looked like a vision. The gown left little to the imagination. In those heels she towered over Jean and it looked like she was poured into the dress, what little there was of it. From the hips down it went to the floor, but there was little there from the hips up. The dress had a plunging neckline down to her stomach and when the light hit it just right it seemed to be see through. The color on Annie was amazing. I was speechless and finding it hard to even breathe. My mind was spinning over what I was seeing and Steve kept saying holy shit!

The look on my face seemed to be a problem when she got to me as her eyes became huge (like they always did when she was fearful) and she put her arms around me and asked didn’t I approve of the dress? All I could manage was to tell her she is the most beautiful woman I have ever known and my heart can’t stand it anymore. When I put my arms around her I was shocked again to feel her back. There was no dress there at all. It was open all the way down to her butt. The color, the fit, the pure sexual tension that emanated from her astounded me.

During our first break Annie and I danced and I was in real trouble. When I held her close I could feel every inch of her body. It was like the dress wasn’t even there. I whispered into her ear how is the dress even staying on, what is underneath it? She whispered back there is nothing underneath it. I was doomed.

When the show ended I grabbed a couple of bottles of champagne and glasses and said we had to get out of here. It was the longest elevator ride of my life. We got into our room and I poured a glass for us both. She was standing right next to a table with a small bag on it that I didn’t even notice at first. As we stared into each others eyes I told her how much I loved her and I moved to lower the sleeve of the dress off her shoulder. She immediately stopped me and shook her head no. I was confused. As her eyes got big again she dropped the dress herself. Holy shit! There was indeed nothing under that dress. I reached for her and again she pushed my hands away, shook her head and said no. She reached into the little bag and drew out a blindfold, put it on and pressed herself against me and said “now show me how much you love me.”

The next thing I remember is we were in a tangle of arms and legs and early morning light was coming through the window. As I watched her while she was sleeping I thought this is the most beautiful woman in the world and I get to spend the rest of my life with her. I will never forget that night.

Entry #13: The First Time

I remember the first time. After all these years, that moment is burned into my memory forever.

We were in Montreal for a show and it was just another rehearsal like so many others. We played the songs exactly the way we intended them to sound and then sat to listen to the playback.

Annie snuggled up next to me with her head on my shoulder as the music began playing. All of a sudden, when the voice track began, she was singing the lyrics in my ear to the music, soft as a whisper so no one else could hear.

In French! In stunned silence, I just sat there squeezing her hand, hoping the song would never end and I would breathe again before I passed out. As the song went on I could feel her shudder as she sang. When the song ended, I turned to face her, completely confused, only to find her in tears.

Annie said she had not spoken French in years, and she loved me so much she just became overwhelmed in the moment and it seemed to be the only way she could express herself. I had no idea she could speak any other language but English. She said yes, she also spoke Vietnamese and a bit of Tagalog.

After that evening, she spoke to me in French a lot. I mean every day. I do not understand 95% of what she said and she would translate in English immediately, but I had to hear her speak to me in French.

The hours, spent gazing into her eyes as she lovingly whispered to me in French just melted me. I will never hear her voice again, but those are memories I will take with me forever.

Entry #5: Afraid of The Dark

Annie was afraid of the dark. When it was finally time to say goodnight, she would ask that I leave the television on. No sound, just the video. It was the flickering light that would allow her to go to sleep. Total darkness was a scary place for her.

We had a connection where we could lay there for long periods of time and just watch each other. Just soak up the essence of each other. No speaking required. It seemed like watching each other silently was so powerful that speaking sometimes became harder.

The light of the television being on gave me more opportunities. I loved to watch her anytime. But when she slept, watching her just overwhelmed my thoughts. She was easily the most beautiful woman I had ever met in person. I don’t sleep much and many nights after she fell asleep I would lay my head down on her chest and listen to her heart beating and feeling the rise and fall of her breathing. Just being in her presence and sharing intimacy with her was the most amazing experience.

Many nights with tears in my eyes while she slept I would ask myself. Why me? Why would someone so beautiful and vulnerable choose me? Ten years older than her and just an average guy. Why would she choose me as the person to bare her soul to, to choose to love, to share her body with?

The answer to that question and a hundred others never came. They never came, because I never asked her. In some way I may have been unsure of the answer that might come, but the truth of the matter is that I thought we had forever to ask those types of questions of each other. It turned out we had no time at all before she was gone.