Entry #80:Clingy

What is a clingy person?

What Does It Mean to Be Clingy? Having a clingy personality means that a person tends to stay very close to someone for support, protection, and more.

I recently read a post by someone about being clingy. She did not know for sure how she felt about it.

That struck a chord with me so I decided to think about my own experiences. Do I know anyone who is clingy? Am I clingy? So here is my take on it.

From the moment we met, Annie and I knew there was something special and unusual about our friendship and relationship. We just could not stay away from each other. The fact that neither of us had ever had a relationship with someone like each other did not sway us. We were like two peas in a pod.

It did not matter what we were doing, or where we were going, we enjoyed the constant touching of each other in so many ways. Walking down the street, her with her thumb tucked into my belt and me with my hand stuffed into her back pocket so I could feel her ass made both of us very happy.

Hands in each others jeans, holding hands on the beach, sitting in front of the tube with her feet in my lap…anywhere and everywhere, there was the described safety and support and protection.

I was so protective of her that I could not let her go unless we were apart. There were so many days and nights we looked into each others eyes as we touched and explored. She always knew that I was there for her no matter what or who we encountered when out in public, and in private I was able to prove my love for her over and over again. She thrived under my touch and I suppose to an outside observer we might have been perceived as clingy.

Annie certainly did not care, and neither did I. Since she has been gone, I cannot imagine going on without someone to hold and touch like that. Annie was as dependent upon my touch, as I was to hers.

So…yes…I suppose I am a clingy person without that special someone to cling to, to support, and to protect, to walk hand in hand, to walk with my hand in her back pocket so I could feel the curve of her backside, like I did for Annie…

Entry #79: Valentine’s Day

There was a time in my past that I enjoyed this day. More than I could ever describe.

I spent two of them with Annie and those two celebrations were my ultimate joy. We spent those days eating home cooked sensual creations, and when not eating, we spent the day and evening in bed together.

There was nothing we enjoyed more than enjoying sensual massages with each other. I did my research in order to study the most erotic and pleasure producing techniques I could find. I know for sure that my research was successful, as I could not peel Annie away from me once we began.

Looking back, these sort of days were her absolute favorites. She was safe with me, nothing in daily life to distract her or make her fearful. Being transgender, her days were filled with fear and apprehension whenever she was out in public. But those days, as she stared at me lovingly while enjoying the fruits of my labor, the peace I felt was never the same anywhere else without her.

When I was with her like this, my demons were banished and my anxiety over her safety never surfaced. But now it is different.

Valentine’s Day is an empty shell for me. There is no pleasure here. My demons are stronger than ever, and I live with an anxiety that I cannot shed.

The anxiety is the worst part. I would love to find someone to enjoy these sensual massages together, No strings, no relationship required. Just someone who enjoys the acts of intimacy without the commitment and baggage.

Yet, I won’t seek that person out. My anxiety is too strong, and since it has been so many years since enjoying those moments, my anxiety now encompasses the fear of lack of performance. What if things don’t work like they used to?

A lack of performance ability would be devastating, not to mention impossible to face.

So, I will spend the day thinking of Annie and remembering all of those joyful moments we spent together.

I think in the end, it is better this way.

Entry #78: Loving an “Other”

This country I live in was founded on racism, and although over 200 year have passed, the fear and hatred of “others” continues. I do not have a solution and little hope that this will change.

All I have to offer are my own experiences.

Annie was a love that I never searched for. Until she stormed into my life, I was blissfully unaware of the daily discrimination taking place in this country. I was too busy carrying on with my own life.

You see…Annie was an “other”. A Person of Color. Asian. Transgender. A perfect trifecta for the hate that lives in this country. Hate that is fueled by religion and white privilege.

Our love for each other burned white hot. I cannot even begin to express how many hours, days, months, I spent doing my best to ensure that whenever Annie was with me, she would be safe from the hate and violence daily inflicted upon POC.

The stories she would tell me of discrimination and violence endured in her community were devastating to hear. While I had no first hand experience in my growing up, I sure got a face full of hate once we were together in public. I was not prepared with experiences to fall back on. This was all new to me and it was the scariest part of my life. Scary, because no matter what I did, or how I acted, I was powerless to protect her 24 hours a day.

Our year together was the most glorious time of my life. Annie was a life force unto herself and every day that passes, I thank the universe for bringing her into my life. Her life was cut short by the simple fact that her body failed the day she achieved her greatest victory over her dysphoria. If that isn’t the most cruel twist of fate, I don’t know what would be.

It is now fourteen years since Annie passed on. The hate of “others” continues to grow in this country, fueled by religious fanatics and just plain ignorant people.

I cannot envision ever meeting someone like Annie again. I think you only get one chance at that. I am so fortunate to have had her love for the year we had together. I will cherish all of those memories for whatever time I have left.