This post has been a long time in the writing. I have started it and discarded it so many times, I cannot count.
Many hours have been spent reading articles and trying to get my head around the concept of forgiveness.
What I have managed to accomplish is to think through the pain of happenings in my past, and even come to the point where I can forgive those who have done me wrong. I won’t and in some cases can’t face them to admit to it but it does give me some peace of mind when I think of clearing my mind and emotions that I have felt against those people.
Those instances of forgiveness do indeed clear my mind of the negative thoughts associated with those people and actions and while I would like to think that I have made some sort of breakthrough, I am only fooling myself.
In the darkness of my mind, and the cloud that follows my every thought and action, there is something that I cannot ever forgive.
I can never, under any circumstance imagine forgiving myself for what I managed to do when Annie passed from this life.
When she explained to me that she intended to travel to Thailand for her surgery, I did not try and force the issue of my traveling there with her. She explained that she waited her whole life for this trip and she wished to do it on her own. I could have gone with her. I could certainly afford it time wise and financially. In the end I honored her wishes and stayed home.
That is the one decision in my life I will regret to my dying day.
I left her to travel alone and lay in a hospital in a country she had never been to, with no one by her side.
She died alone in that hospital without me by her side to show her how much I loved her or to be able to say goodbye.
There will never be closure for me.
I will never be able to forgive myself for not being there for her at the end.
My life will go on however, and it is a bitter life to face without her.