Tag: shopping

Entry #15: Disfunction

When Annie described her family life and her journey, I found it to be a heartbreaking story.

She said that she knew who she was by the time she reached ten years old. While her mother supported her in minor ways, the animosity she received from her father devastated her. He railed against all her decisions, and when she was thirteen he threw her out of the house.

Against all odds Annie and Ellen surfed couches at the homes of friends and worked their way through high school. They went to the same college and even though they both worked around their classes, they could only afford one studio room on campus, which they shared until they graduated.

Both were lucky to land full time careers after graduation. Ellen with the government, which meant moving to Denver and Annie with an insurance company, making the move to Seattle. While building their careers they found they travelled frequently to the same cities and saw each other at least twice a month.

When we met, Annie was thirty nine, and Ellen was thirty eight. Neither were able to keep in touch with their families although through friends Annie made sure her mother always knew where she was. I remember many nights we would lie in bed and she would tell me horrible stories of her childhood. I grew to despise her father, even though we would never meet.

Even though we had not yet completed the arrangements to live together and move to Canada, our lives together were as normal as could be expected taking into consideration the discrimination she endured in the country at the time. She would take me to dance clubs in three of our favorite cities where she knew she would be safe from scrutiny and there would not be any issues. These clubs were unlike the bars or music rooms I frequented. Everyone was there to have a good time and no one cared about your personal life. We always went as a couple and were accepted as such.

After Annie passed and the months of anger and despair seemed to ease up a bit, I found that everything had changed for me mentally. It wasn’t enough that I gave up playing music. Traveling to the same cities we always travelled to, I found myself walking down the same streets, looking into the same shop windows, picking out clothes for Annie even though she was gone. One morning I woke up to find a bag on the table with a beautiful sexy dress in it. I obviously bought it the night before. At least I had the receipt so I took it back. I knew I had reached a turning point one night when I went into one of the clubs we had both visited so many times. It was so strange to go in as a male without her on my arm. There were some looks and I got the distinct feeling I wasn’t welcome any more. I was at the bar having a drink when a woman came up next to me, grabbed my ass and said hello. I turned to her, smiled and said sorry I am just leaving. I don’t know what she had in mind, but I was not interested.

I knew right then that I could not continue on like this. All of the adventures and the life we had in those cities were now just memories and every visit became more difficult. When I returned home, I quit my job. I could no longer play the music and I couldn’t continue to mentally tear myself apart revisiting those places. I just did not care about anything.

Over the intervening years the band has continued to reach out to me to play shows, but I just can’t do it. I still love music and will frequently go to some of my old clubs as long as the music is not what I played. Since I gained all the weight, most of the people I know don’t recognize me and I am ok with that. I would rather just pay for a ticket and sit in a dark corner in the back and enjoy the music without having to interact with anyone. I don’t travel much either and when I do, I pick places I haven’t been to before so I don’t have to face those old places.

I can face the fact that I have some sort of mental deficiency in dealing with this past, but the thought of going to a complete stranger to discuss it seems a bridge too far to me. Writing seems to be an adequate outlet for now, but what I miss most is having that human physical contact that comes from a having a true friend you can just hug and touch and discuss your true feelings with.

 

Entry #12: Shopping

Annie loved to shop. It didn’t matter what city we were in, she always brought back her latest purchases to the hotel to show off. I don’t know how she found the time with her regular day job and the fact that we always had plans of some sort for the evening. She was obsessed with always having the latest fashion and she would do her research to find the appropriate event or in-place for us to go so she could dress to kill.

I am not much in the shopping world, but have to admit that her constant desire to be in dress up mode did start to affect how I dressed as well. I couldn’t let her be seen with a bum when going out on the town. So I shopped as well.

Shopping with Annie had its perils of course. We enjoyed shopping at night, so we could walk the streets together in the shopping neighborhoods. Stores were always lit up and it was great people watching as well. I always walked on the street side with Annie because that is what a gentleman does. We could be innocently walking down the street having a conversation and suddenly I would find myself alone talking to myself. Sometimes it would take me several minutes to back track and find out which store Annie had dove into. Anything sparkly or sexy displayed in the window would draw her in.

In the beginning, when I would pick out clothing for her she would politely decline my choice saying it was a bit too conservative for her. After a few times like that, I decided to change tactics. I would choose some of the most scandalous outfits I could find. She loved it. Who knew? From that point on she insisted I shop with her, hang out by the dressing rooms and give my opinions. Nothing was too sexy or daring for her to wear.

One night when we were in Montreal she decided she wanted to go shopping for some personal lingerie. I said sure, I can just hang out at a coffee shop as they were on every corner in the old city. She said no, she had a particular shop she always went to for those items and I was to come with her. When we arrived I noticed the windows were all covered for privacy. I told her I didn’t think it was such a good idea for me to accompany her inside, as the clientele might not like a male inside while the ladies were trying on all sorts of things. She just laughed at me and said I was being provincial and she grabbed my hand and in we went.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t embarrassed. There I sat on a comfortable chair while she tried on numerous things and would strut over to me to get my opinion. The fact that the sales women and other women trying on items didn’t even bat an eye that there was a male sitting right there in the open while they took items on and off while I desperately tried to focus only on Annie was distressing to say the least. She finally decided on her purchases and I said, great, we need to get out of here. She laughed at me so hard I had to join her. She was totally enjoying my discomfort in the whole situation and promised to give me a private show when we got back to the hotel. As we walked away, she whispered into my ear…think how much more you will enjoy it the next time. I just shook my head thinking how in the world did I get so lucky to have this sexy, sometimes fearful, sometimes fearless, sometimes powerful woman to look forward to being with the rest of my life.