Tag: scary mind

Entry #66: Losing My Mind

It has been thirteen years, three months and eight days since Annie passed from this world. She has been with me in spirit every day, and my love for her has never waned. Often, I think of the day when I will join her wherever she is.

Mindful of how others might perceive my grief, I have managed to prevent those thoughts and feelings from seeing the light of day when others could also see them. I have become an expert at hiding myself.

Yet, my mind has managed to turn on me. While I know in my heart, I will never give up on the memory of Annie, I seem to have another woman break into my thoughts more frequently than I could have predicted. My friend I have written about a few times has become an important part of my life and thoughts, even though we do not see each other as often as we have in the past.

It is a platonic friendship, at least at this point. We have never shared a romantic embrace, kiss or anything like that. And though these things have never happened in real life, they occur more frequently to me in my dreams.

For the last two days, I have been bedridden with illness and there is where my mind decided to attack me. I may have been delusional in my illness, but I prefer to think of it as a harbinger of possibilities, even though the universe will not give that to me.

You see, she appeared to me at my bedside yesterday. I felt something take hold of my foot and when I turned, there she was. I watched as she shed her clothing and stood before me as she pulled back the blanket and joined me in bed. The visual of her beautiful, nude, melanin body against me with her braids covering our heads like a curtain, was such a rush that I had a difficult time breathing. She has shared quite a bit of her damaged journey in growing up, and I knew in that instance, I finally had the opportunity to show her how a man could not abuse her, but treat her with physical love.

And then a neighborhood dog barked, my eyes flew open, only to find the bed empty next to me. It was all a dream.

So close. So close to showing her a loving experience. 

I must be losing my mind when my dreams are more real than the reality of my life.

Entry #47: A Scary Mind

Sometimes, my mind goes to places that scare even me. The darkest corners of my mind always give me solace, and a type of peace that most folks would not understand. Hell, many times I don’t understand how the dark places give me what I need.

Normally I do not remember my dreams at night, unless they are about Annie. The one constant for me in the early mornings as I awake is that when my eyes finally pop open, it is with the recollection of an event or time spent with Annie.

So, it was shocking to me the other day that when I awoke, it was from a dream that I was having about my new friend “A”. It was as clear as a cloudless sky and there we were, spooning together in bed. Now to be clear, we haven’t even exchanged a kiss or anything other than hello or goodbye hugs.

And…it wasn’t about having sex or making love or anything like that, because that was not a part of the dream. It was about just having our bodies touching each other, holding each other tight and enjoying the connection of the moment.

Where that dream came from escapes me. One of those dark corners decided to open up and show me something new.

That scared me awake for sure. And…as dreams go, I sure enjoyed that one.

I wonder if it will turn up again one of these days…