Entry #24: The Takedown

Somewhere in the back of my mind way back then, I knew that there are intolerant and bigoted people out there. Yet, I have been fortunate to not have to deal with any of them until the one time I did.

Annie and I loved to take long walks along nature trails. Never in a hurry, we held hands and meandered wherever the trails went, enjoying the solitude and quiet that nature can provide. There were times we would spend a half-day just wandering around waiting to see what would be around the next bend in the trail. We never saw anyone we knew on these walks and encountered few others since we usually took these hikes during the week when the trails were less crowded.

One time we enjoyed the forest outside one of our favorite cities and when the hike was over, we headed over to the parking lot where we had left our car. While walking across the parking lot, I heard someone call out my name. I turned around to see one of my friends, Jan, waving at me. She was with some other people and was heading toward us. My shields went up immediately as I had told my friends that I was in a relationship, yet I never introduced Annie to any of my friends in concern for her safety and now I was confronted with that possibility with no place to turn to.

I introduced Annie to Jan and her husband Ron and they introduced the people they were with. I don’t have any recollection of their names at all. I go back a long way with Jan and Ron as we were friends since high school. They seemed overjoyed to meet Annie and I started to feel a little better.

The other guy however, spent a lot of time staring at Annie and started whispering to the woman he was with. She gave him the look that said shut up and elbowed him in the ribs. He didn’t take it well. He wasn’t a big guy, about my size, but the woman he was with was larger than either of us. I could see a problem coming, so I decided it was time for us to leave and as we were saying our goodbyes he started in with the comments about Annie. I thought, well, here we go, the one thing I feared the most. Time to bring out my football moves from years ago. As I turned to walk towards him, Annie wouldn’t let me go, Jan said don’t, stepped in between us, and the woman he was with yelled at him to knock it off.

He then started in on me, asking what kind of man was I to be with Annie? Before I could make any effort at a response, the woman he was with turned and slammed him with a roundhouse like I had never seen. He went down like a ton of bricks and was out for the count. She turned to us, apologized and said don’t worry, this is nothing compared to what he will get when he wakes up. I thanked her because I couldn’t think of anything else to do or say.

Jan and Annie were crying hysterically and Annie gave her a big hug, and we left promising to meet her and Ron that night for drinks.

That was the first time I experienced first hand what I dreaded so much and had heard so many stories about from Annie and Ellen. I told her we had to speed up our plans to move to Canada because I couldn’t live in this country any more. Her safety was the most important thing to me and I just could not deal with her having to live with this the rest of her life.

Entry #22: The Eyes Have It

Some time ago, during one of my storm walks on the beach I met a young woman. I will call her B.

She is everything Annie was not. Annie was very tall and rail thin. B is on the short side with beautiful curves. Annie had solid dark eyes in which she could hide her emotions until I became able to read them. B has very light colored eyes and in those eyes I see a calmness and serenity I did not see in Annie. Annie was a fashion maven and overachiever, while B seems a throwback to an earlier time. B lives a simple life without a lot of possessions and a freedom that comes with youth that I have long ago lost. I am also old enough to be her father.

During that first meeting, B told me that she is a witch and comes to the beach during storms to absorb the dark energy that gives her power. It made no sense to me but I told her I come to the beach to embrace the darkness of loss. We had a nice chat and went on our ways. I have run into her every so often at the beach and we always say hello and she then moves on with her friends.

I don’t have her phone number, address or know much else about her but with a recent storm hitting the west coast, I reached out to her on social media, told her I was going to the beach and asked if she wanted to join me to enjoy the storm. She agreed and we decided on a spot.

So there we found ourselves, a young woman and an older man sitting in the dark in the warm rain on the beach, shoulders touching and not saying a word. She would draw some sort of witch figures in the sand and I would draw Annies name. The rain would wash them away and we would repeat this over and over again. We stole glances at each other every once in a while and I think she could see my tears but she said nothing.

After a while she grabbed my hand and just held on. I could feel the vibrations of her saying things while she drew in the sand which I took to be something about her witchcraft but it was hard to hear the words over the waves and rain.

We sat like that for quite a while until she stood up. I took that to mean she achieved what she wanted from the storm. We gave each other a hug goodbye and she said, see you at the next storm. I said yes, that would be nice.

I normally prefer to sit in my own personal darkness at these times, but in this instance for some reason, I decided to share my space. I don’t know if I will do it this way again, but it wasn’t a bad experience at all. I appreciate that we shared the space, but what if she asked about my personal demons? I cannot reveal to anyone in person what I reveal here. Anonymity is my line in the sand.

She exudes a beautiful aura that I am sure will capture some young guy. I enjoyed her presence that night on the beach and perhaps it will repeat itself or not. Either way, I draw my strength from being alone now. No one can replace Annie, nor will I allow anyone to get close to me like that again.

She went her way and I mine, back to our respective cars to change into dry clothes as ours were soaked through and through. After changing, I sat for a few minutes thinking she has a beautiful soul that just shines through her eyes. I don’t know anything about witches or witchcraft, but if she was presented to me as a beautiful vampire with those remarkable eyes…now that would grab my attention.

Entry #19: Alone In The Crowd

It’s hard to explain what loneliness feels like when you are surrounded by other people. Conversations take place on a variety of subjects but with increasing frequency I quickly lose interest and find myself drifting away into my own thoughts.

I lost more than I ever knew when Annie passed away. It wasn’t just that I had lost the woman of my dreams who I had waited all my life for. It wasn’t just losing the woman I committed to spending the rest of my life with. It wasn’t just losing the woman who loved me as much as I loved her.

I also lost the woman who I shared my deepest thoughts and fears about our relationship and she shared back. It takes a special person who is willing to make the effort to listen to what someone else has to say, to feel empathy for that other person and to join into a meaningful conversation. It is an unbelievable challenge to find someone who will listen after losing the one person who did.

When you try to find another person you can connect with on that level, you find in short order where to look. I have plenty of male friends and the truth is, not one of them fall into that category. I think it is a male thing. Males have a difficult time relating and talking to another male on that level. At least that is my experience.

Females however, no matter how they identify as such seem to possess the ability to show empathy and the willingness to engage. I have been trying to find someone with that female perspective to engage with but without success. It’s not about meeting someone to begin a relationship. It’s not about meeting someone for sex (although the human touch contains so much power that I truly miss). No, It’s about meeting someone you can establish a friendship with and to be able to engage in those deeper conversations.

I have met a couple of women I thought might fit the bill, but it doesn’t look like it will happen. So what I am left with is this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. It might be hard to imagine, when you are surrounded by people and conversation, but it is real and there is no escaping it. I haven’t decided yet, but I may just stop looking.

The decision has already been made to not seek another relationship because I will never betray what I had with Annie. Not finding that new friendship may also continue to be elusive, and if that is the case, then loneliness could be my new reality. Sometimes there is safety in being embraced in your own thoughts.

Entry #15: Disfunction

When Annie described her family life and her journey, I found it to be a heartbreaking story.

She said that she knew who she was by the time she reached ten years old. While her mother supported her in minor ways, the animosity she received from her father devastated her. He railed against all her decisions, and when she was thirteen he threw her out of the house.

Against all odds Annie and Ellen surfed couches at the homes of friends and worked their way through high school. They went to the same college and even though they both worked around their classes, they could only afford one studio room on campus, which they shared until they graduated.

Both were lucky to land full time careers after graduation. Ellen with the government, which meant moving to Denver and Annie with an insurance company, making the move to Seattle. While building their careers they found they travelled frequently to the same cities and saw each other at least twice a month.

When we met, Annie was thirty nine, and Ellen was thirty eight. Neither were able to keep in touch with their families although through friends Annie made sure her mother always knew where she was. I remember many nights we would lie in bed and she would tell me horrible stories of her childhood. I grew to despise her father, even though we would never meet.

Even though we had not yet completed the arrangements to live together and move to Canada, our lives together were as normal as could be expected taking into consideration the discrimination she endured in the country at the time. She would take me to dance clubs in three of our favorite cities where she knew she would be safe from scrutiny and there would not be any issues. These clubs were unlike the bars or music rooms I frequented. Everyone was there to have a good time and no one cared about your personal life. We always went as a couple and were accepted as such.

After Annie passed and the months of anger and despair seemed to ease up a bit, I found that everything had changed for me mentally. It wasn’t enough that I gave up playing music. Traveling to the same cities we always travelled to, I found myself walking down the same streets, looking into the same shop windows, picking out clothes for Annie even though she was gone. One morning I woke up to find a bag on the table with a beautiful sexy dress in it. I obviously bought it the night before. At least I had the receipt so I took it back. I knew I had reached a turning point one night when I went into one of the clubs we had both visited so many times. It was so strange to go in as a male without her on my arm. There were some looks and I got the distinct feeling I wasn’t welcome any more. I was at the bar having a drink when a woman came up next to me, grabbed my ass and said hello. I turned to her, smiled and said sorry I am just leaving. I don’t know what she had in mind, but I was not interested.

I knew right then that I could not continue on like this. All of the adventures and the life we had in those cities were now just memories and every visit became more difficult. When I returned home, I quit my job. I could no longer play the music and I couldn’t continue to mentally tear myself apart revisiting those places. I just did not care about anything.

Over the intervening years the band has continued to reach out to me to play shows, but I just can’t do it. I still love music and will frequently go to some of my old clubs as long as the music is not what I played. Since I gained all the weight, most of the people I know don’t recognize me and I am ok with that. I would rather just pay for a ticket and sit in a dark corner in the back and enjoy the music without having to interact with anyone. I don’t travel much either and when I do, I pick places I haven’t been to before so I don’t have to face those old places.

I can face the fact that I have some sort of mental deficiency in dealing with this past, but the thought of going to a complete stranger to discuss it seems a bridge too far to me. Writing seems to be an adequate outlet for now, but what I miss most is having that human physical contact that comes from a having a true friend you can just hug and touch and discuss your true feelings with.

Entry #6: A Different Time

It was a different time in America when I met Annie. While we have come a long way in becoming a more accepting society, there is a long way to go. Today’s internet is so robust you would have a hard time not finding information on just about anything you wish to. Back then when we met, not so much.

On our third night (date) when she revealed that she was trans, I was so shocked that I was at a loss for words momentarily. I could not comprehend what that meant and asked her to explain. She said that while she lives her life as a woman and has since she was thirteen, she was born a boy. I said, that while I don’t know what that means for us, I don’t think it really matters. She responded that well…it will.

Annie was almost forty years old and had never had a relationship with a man and had no more than a handful of dates. She grew up in such fear for her safety and position in society that she closed herself off to everyone. Yet, on the first night we met, we both understood that we had stumbled into something that couldn’t be denied.

We met again the following week at a nice restaurant and the tension in the air was obvious. The few days apart had only solidified what we were feeling for each other. Our first kiss later that night was like a fire that consumed everything in the room. At one point I wondered if I would ever be able to breathe again. All of her fear and apprehension came to bear on the single moment she was so afraid of, but was desperate to experience. While we both wanted that final confirmation of what we felt for each other, all I could think of was that what I really wanted was to give her the love she lacked her whole life. I can’t recall everything I said, but remember mumbling something along the lines of “its only plumbing.” That night’s experience with Annie is something that I will never forget.

It just became better and better and more intense every time we were together until it ended.

There is no path forward to reimagine my experiences and passion for her with someone new. Deep down inside, I know that is my truth. She will always be the one and no one can take her place.