Entry #81: Five Days

Five days from now will mark yet another anniversary of Annie’s passing. Five days which signify fourteen years. Fourteen years of grief and anger that never subsides, that will not allow me to move on.

Last year on this anniversary, I spent a few hours with a friend, as she did not wish me to spend the day alone. It was a very kind gesture on her part, and I am thankful she granted me that time with her. But in the end, it was not enough. While we spent a few hours together, the subject of Annie never came up. I waited, and waited, and waited for her to ask me something about Annie. Anything. No questions came.I suppose she was just not interested enough to actually try and delve into the meaning of this day for me.

I never make a concrete plan for this day. This year will be different though. I am just a few hours drive away from one of those places that Annie and I found the most peaceful. I might just make the drive and attempt to recapture the feelings we had for each other in this quiet space.

The first time I took Annie to this place, she was quite uncomfortable with the whole idea. She was a city girl and did not appreciate the beauty of the silence of the forest. I brought blankets and pillows and we must have looked silly walking into the forest carrying all of this. Once I found the spot I wanted, we wrapped ourselves in the blankets, me leaning back against a tree, and Annie reclining between my legs, so I could wrap my arms around her while we just sat and listened. It did not take long for our silence and lack of movement to allow the animals nearby to come out as we seemed to not be a threat.

We sat like that for hours, listening and watching nature do it’s thing right in front of us. Hours whispering our love for each other and making check lists of what we had to accomplish before we could move to Montreal, get married and begin our new life together. A business associate had found a flat for sale in the city centre and we made plans to sell things off here and make that purchase.

I will never see that flat in person. I will never again be able to lay in the forest with Annie in my arms, feeling the life and warmth of her body next to mine again.

This may be the last anniversary I spend here wondering what to do unless something major changes.

I think I am almost ready to make the trip to Thailand I have been avoiding for so many years. I will bring a blanket and pillow and find her final resting place. Then I can spread the blanket and lay down upon her grave and once again feel close to her. I have never stopped loving her, and when that moment comes, I hope she will recognize that I am finally there with her once again.

Entry #75: Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone! 2022 will be a much better year in my opinion. I received validation recently concerning my feelings and grief and while I chose not to take advantage of a major recommendation, I am hopeful for the year.

After 13 years and nine months, I finally succumbed to meeting with a therapist. There was good and bad as a takeaway.

The good was validation for me that in losing my friendship with “A”, it reflected a lack of context to some of my comments. Did I mean what I said to be offensive? No. Did she try and further the conversation in asking for an explanation? No. However, I can now see how she might have taken something I wrote and saw it in a different light than what was meant. For that I am sorry, as in my usual way, when I feel judged, I simply cut things off and disappear. I could have and should have made the effort to resolve the misinterpretation of my message. The takeaway is that I learned something from this and will not make that particular mistake again. I wish we could reconnect, but I doubt she is interested, and the result is my loss of a friendship.

Now for the bad.

Dealing with my grief and depression over the 13 years and nine months (but who is counting?) has been an epic struggle. The therapist had some constructive exercises I could go through when I feel particularly anxiety burdened, but her main recommendation is a no-go for me.

She wanted to prescribe some meds that would smooth out the edges and provide some relief. As the daily process of being medicated evolve, I would feel less and less anxiety and my thoughts of Annie would become less prominent in my mindfulness. When I asked her if I would still remember everything from the past and be able to recall anything I wanted from our relationship, she said that over time those memories and feeling will wane and a more stable mental process will remain.

Nope! Not going to happen! I will never knowingly do anything to eliminate my memories and recollection of every moment Annie and I had together. Never!. Without her in my thoughts, life has no meaning for me.

So, I will take what I can from her remarks and skip the drugs. It was a worthwhile exercise, and the good parts I will take along the road of life with me.

There are 69 days left before I celebrate Annie’s passing for the 14th time. This year I have no one to spend that day with, but that is ok.

I am hopeful that I can find another friend to write with and have conversations with. It will be difficult, but I will give it the old college try.

So…here is to a new year. I will work hard to write more often and be more creative. The dark spaces are still my refuge, but I think I am in a better place to deal with it all, while embracing the darkness that gives me so much happiness. No drugs required.

Entry #73: Crushed

It has been a while since I last wrote. Truth is…my mind has been going in so many directions, it has been quite hard to even attempt to focus.

When I lost my connection to a friend recently, a huge hole opened up in my life. I worked hard to be a good friend, empathetic, and a good listener. After the connection was lost, I realized it wasn’t enough. There just wasn’t enough interest for her to want to explore my thoughts. I am a good listener, but sometimes you just wish the other person would want to listen to what you had to say for a change. It hurt a lot to lose that friendship.

Having the benefit of hindsight now, I realize a large part of the equation, is the fact that my baggage will not allow anyone else to get close.

When Annie died, my heart was broken forever, but that was not the worst of it. In the real life that went forward, my soul was crushed. I think I can finally come to grip with what I knew to be true from that very day.

The pain of losing her crushed my soul to the point that there is no longer any room for anyone else. Annie brought me a certain joy that no one else will ever be able to give me. I have spent over thirteen years attempting at various times to find that sort of connection and it has been a fruitless endeavor.

Annie was a once in a lifetime love that cannot be replaced. I never thought about growing old without her and yet, here I am. I tried to join her. Twice actually. On two separate occasions, I purchased one way tickets to Thailand. In each instance, I failed to follow through and cancelled those flights because I am too much of a coward to take my own life. The pain of living without her is a constant in my life and no more than a few hours can ever pass without me thinking of her.

So here I am…just another aging guy who manages to live a life in the darkness of pain and memories of of what I had and what might have been, no matter how bright the sun shines.

I have some friends and acquaintances who I see every once in a while, but they are kept at arms length. No one knows what is in my mind, except you who may read my entries here, and I intend to keep it that way for my own benefit. I live with my heartbreak and crushed soul and while I can designate the place to embrace my darkest thoughts, I cannot allow anyone else to penetrate into my inner sanctum. People are so disappointing, and I do not wish to add any more baggage to what I already deal with every waking moment. I know in my heart I will join Annie one day despite my being a coward. Life is finite and that day will come eventually.

Entry #49: Nature

Annie wasn’t a huge fan of nature. It took quite a few trips into the forest or on various hikes, before she was able to enjoy the beauty I so desperately wanted to share with her.

One time I specifically wanted to take her to one of my favorite places, so we grabbed a spare blanket and pillows from the hotel and off we went to explore. Once we arrived, we set up next to a small stream so we could enjoy the sounds of the water and the birds in the neighboring trees.

After a while, Annie lay down with her head in my lap and totally fell asleep while I stroked her hair. I was so surprised that she was so comfortable that I began to think of all the issues she had. Annie had a lot of issues, most of them surrounding her fear of not being accepted and all the roadblocks thrown in her path due to being transgender.

The longer I sat with her the more issues I could list, and I quickly realized how unequipped I was to be able to help her through all of them. I didn’t even know what I didn’t know, and felt like I was failing her each time one of her issues came to fore.

This was one of the hardest moments to come to grips with. I knew most of her issues by this time, and yet I had no idea how to help her other than to continue to show her how much I loved her.

In a few short months after this day, she passed, and my feelings of having failed her overcame everything I tried to do. How could I have allowed this to happen to her? I had no answers then, and in the aftermath and through the advancement of technology over the years, I was now able to research quite a bit regarding her situation, yet it gives me no solace to know now what I did not know then.

And yet, despite all this time that has passed, I cannot shake the dread in my heart that I failed her when she needed me the most. I am an old guy now, having lived the last 12 plus years without her. I am not sure how many years I have left myself, but what I do know is that the hole in my heart is not fixable. Going through the motions most days, her spirit is with me in everything I do. My friends constantly ask me what is on my mind and why I have become somewhat of a recluse. There are no words I can share, as Annie’s passing has brought such overwhelming sorrow to my life that I cannot bring myself to trust anyone with my feelings.