Entry #29: Montreal

Montreal was one of our favorite cities. I didn’t travel there often before I met Annie and because of that I knew little of the city. That all changed with Annie.

Annie loved Montreal and convinced me to travel there more often so we could meet and she could show me all the great things about the city. It only took a few trips for me to realize how much I had been missing and how this particular city was so well suited to who we are and our dreams together for the future.

As I write this, you have to remember that all of this transpired a long time ago. Annie was never welcome in the U.S. during that time. The fact that she had a successful corporate career was a testament to her drive and the fact that she found herself in a company that refused to allow discrimination within its ranks. Even by today’s standards, many companies pay lip service to non-discrimination but turn an eye away from actual instances of it.

I became an expert at watching for “the look.” The more often I saw someone looking at Annie with disdain and hostility, the more dismayed I became for her safety. The reality of the situation was that since I was accompanying her, those feelings were projected onto myself as well.

We shared our feelings over this many times and we worked hard to find a place where we could live and have a future together in a welcoming environment. In the end, Montreal became the obvious choice. Even though it was only a short plane ride away, it was like traveling to another world where your gender or color of your skin held no sway over living an every day life in peace and happiness. The U.S. held no such hope for us. Even today, while I still live in the U.S., I would prefer to live somewhere else that is more inclusive and welcoming to everyone.

Without Annie however, there is little motivation for me to leave. Without Annie, life has become something like living on a treadmill. The day-to-day is repetitive, all the while my memories of her surround everything I see and do.

Her picture in my phone and her iPod, which frequently finds itself in my pocket, represent the shattered life that remains from the love that we shared for each other.

Entry #19: Alone In The Crowd

It’s hard to explain what loneliness feels like when you are surrounded by other people. Conversations take place on a variety of subjects but with increasing frequency I quickly lose interest and find myself drifting away into my own thoughts.

I lost more than I ever knew when Annie passed away. It wasn’t just that I had lost the woman of my dreams who I had waited all my life for. It wasn’t just losing the woman I committed to spending the rest of my life with. It wasn’t just losing the woman who loved me as much as I loved her.

I also lost the woman who I shared my deepest thoughts and fears about our relationship and she shared back. It takes a special person who is willing to make the effort to listen to what someone else has to say, to feel empathy for that other person and to join into a meaningful conversation. It is an unbelievable challenge to find someone who will listen after losing the one person who did.

When you try to find another person you can connect with on that level, you find in short order where to look. I have plenty of male friends and the truth is, not one of them fall into that category. I think it is a male thing. Males have a difficult time relating and talking to another male on that level. At least that is my experience.

Females however, no matter how they identify as such seem to possess the ability to show empathy and the willingness to engage. I have been trying to find someone with that female perspective to engage with but without success. It’s not about meeting someone to begin a relationship. It’s not about meeting someone for sex (although the human touch contains so much power that I truly miss). No, It’s about meeting someone you can establish a friendship with and to be able to engage in those deeper conversations.

I have met a couple of women I thought might fit the bill, but it doesn’t look like it will happen. So what I am left with is this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. It might be hard to imagine, when you are surrounded by people and conversation, but it is real and there is no escaping it. I haven’t decided yet, but I may just stop looking.

The decision has already been made to not seek another relationship because I will never betray what I had with Annie. Not finding that new friendship may also continue to be elusive, and if that is the case, then loneliness could be my new reality. Sometimes there is safety in being embraced in your own thoughts.

Entry #17: It’s a Black Tie Thing (part one)

I have an old friend from high school named Steve. Every couple of years he pops into my life to catch up and we just take off right from where we left off the last time.

Steve has always been the geek of our little group. He was and still is a numbers guy. He is also filthy, stinking rich. I mean, rich as in multi millionaire. He went to college for finance and he met a wonderful English girl named Jean, studying on a student exchange program. They married before graduating and moved to England once they finished college. I don’t know all the details, but either her family came from big money or they had big money contacts, because Steve became very successful, very fast. He retired at forty and serves on numerous charity boards.

So, one day the phone rings and it’s Steve. Seems he is putting on some sort of charity event in San Francisco soon and he wants to hire the band. I explained all the various reasons this would not be able to be done.

We would be in the middle of a tour in Houston, not California.

Although the nights he requested we had off, it was too far to drive with all our gear and then get back to the previously booked dates.

We are a big rock and roll band. There are nine of us and we are loud and sometimes crude. Not a good fit for a charity event.

He said he didn’t care. He wanted our band. It would be an opening 1 hour set followed by a DJ for an hour and then repeat one more set.

The offer was for twice our published rate. I said that was great but we still had the logistics and timing problem. He said there is no problem. He would pay for flights round trip for the band and any companions on the road with us and he had rooms already booked. Carry on what we could and give him a complete list of what was needed and he would rent everything from a local music store. The band would be back in Houston in plenty of time for the next show. I checked with the other guys and they said sure, why pass up the money.

I got back to Steve the next day and he said his travel agency would be in touch to get all the details on who was flying and they would issue all the tickets. I once again asked if he was sure, that this was going to cost a lot of money and he could easily find a local band for a lot less. He said no, he had his mind made up. While we were saying goodbye he dropped another item on me.

Oh, just so you know this is a black tie event. No hippy clothes, everyone has to look the part.

I said wait a minute. We are a rock and roll band. We live out of a suitcase and wear jeans and t-shirts. We don’t have that kind of wardrobe. He then said not to worry he had it all covered. Someone from his office would get in touch with us about two shops, one for the guys, and one for the women. They would take care of everything at his usual huge discount. All we had to do was show up and be ready to play.

All I was left with was to say sure, ok I guess.

I called Annie and told her about the details and she said she would fly in the day before and schedule some work for herself while she waited for us.

To be continued…

Entry #9: Plan B

There was no Plan B.

Annie and I were both successful at what we did professionally, working independently most of the time.

By this point we were spending less and less time at our respective homes and traveling together practically every week both for work and to spend as many hours as possible together. We both knew that this model was not sustainable and we would have to make some choices.

Walking together through the various cities was one of those special things we enjoyed in the evenings. Yet underneath it all Annie was always apprehensive. She did not feel safe walking streets at night no matter how crowded and safe it might appear. As time went on, her sense of the lack of safety caused me to become more aware of our surroundings and as I began to worry for her myself, the enjoyment started to wane.

Deciding what to do next worked out quite naturally. We looked at all the cities that we visit regularly and put them into columns to decide where the safest and most positive vibe presented itself. Deciding to give up everything for each other was no easy path but we committed to it. We had talked multiple times about starting our own consulting business. We also discussed what would happen if we sold and gave up everything we had to move in a single purpose together for the future. It would be both difficult and painful, but we loved each other too much to not take the chance.

We decided on Montreal. We both love the old centre city with all the shops, restaurants, and bakeries. The fact that French was spoken almost everywhere in the old city made it the most romantic place outside of France itself. We both had contacts there and they assured us we could find an affordable flat in the most desirable area. Montreal was and still is the most accepting city I have been in and Annie felt safe there. Another positive is that we could actually get married there and live a normal life together. The U.S. did not allow our marriage at that time and the environment for us would not be welcoming.

Our business could be run from anywhere, and investing in and opening a business in Canada gave us favorable status for immigration. We put in motion a lot of the pieces to make it all happen and started the immigration paperwork that was going to take some time. We both started the process of notifying our employers of possible departure schedules and both were more than willing to work with us.

The plan was to make the move when Annie returned from her surgery in Thailand. She was having wedding bands made there at the same time by an artist she had researched. We would move to Montreal, get married, love and live with each other the rest of our lives. That was the whole plan. That was the only plan. There was no Plan B.

Annie went to Thailand and never returned. The only regret I have in life is not making that trip with her.