Entry #81: Five Days

Five days from now will mark yet another anniversary of Annie’s passing. Five days which signify fourteen years. Fourteen years of grief and anger that never subsides, that will not allow me to move on.

Last year on this anniversary, I spent a few hours with a friend, as she did not wish me to spend the day alone. It was a very kind gesture on her part, and I am thankful she granted me that time with her. But in the end, it was not enough. While we spent a few hours together, the subject of Annie never came up. I waited, and waited, and waited for her to ask me something about Annie. Anything. No questions came.I suppose she was just not interested enough to actually try and delve into the meaning of this day for me.

I never make a concrete plan for this day. This year will be different though. I am just a few hours drive away from one of those places that Annie and I found the most peaceful. I might just make the drive and attempt to recapture the feelings we had for each other in this quiet space.

The first time I took Annie to this place, she was quite uncomfortable with the whole idea. She was a city girl and did not appreciate the beauty of the silence of the forest. I brought blankets and pillows and we must have looked silly walking into the forest carrying all of this. Once I found the spot I wanted, we wrapped ourselves in the blankets, me leaning back against a tree, and Annie reclining between my legs, so I could wrap my arms around her while we just sat and listened. It did not take long for our silence and lack of movement to allow the animals nearby to come out as we seemed to not be a threat.

We sat like that for hours, listening and watching nature do it’s thing right in front of us. Hours whispering our love for each other and making check lists of what we had to accomplish before we could move to Montreal, get married and begin our new life together. A business associate had found a flat for sale in the city centre and we made plans to sell things off here and make that purchase.

I will never see that flat in person. I will never again be able to lay in the forest with Annie in my arms, feeling the life and warmth of her body next to mine again.

This may be the last anniversary I spend here wondering what to do unless something major changes.

I think I am almost ready to make the trip to Thailand I have been avoiding for so many years. I will bring a blanket and pillow and find her final resting place. Then I can spread the blanket and lay down upon her grave and once again feel close to her. I have never stopped loving her, and when that moment comes, I hope she will recognize that I am finally there with her once again.

Entry #55: Silk

Annie and I were scheduled to meet up in Montreal one afternoon. I loved the old city, as that seemed to be the only place where Annie could let her guard down and just be herself. Another benefit of meeting there is Annie always managed to come up with some sort of surprise for me.

We were very cognizant of traveling in the winter time and managed to do a pretty good job of avoiding any delays, but this time mother nature caught us. My afternoon flight was cancelled due to weather, and by the end of the day, all that was left was a redeye, so that is what I ended up with.

Landing early in the morning, I looked to see if there was a message from Annie, but nothing. We had said our goodnights the previous evening and I was pretty sure she was still asleep, so I didn’t bother to call and wake her up.

As is our usual ritual, she had left a room key for me at the front desk, so I grabbed a quick cup of coffee and headed up. I did a pretty good job of being quiet as I let myself into the room, and left everything by the door so I wouldn’t make any noise.

And, there she was, sound asleep in the bed. I must have watched her for at least a half an hour. I could never get enough of watching her, as she was the most amazing person I have ever met. Something was different, yet I couldn’t quite put my finger on it for a few minutes, and then it dawned on me.

The sheets on the bed were not white as is usual. They were a darker color and Annie seemed to have melted into them. Being asian, her skin color was like a very light caramel color and it seemed that the fabric melded with her coloring in an amazing way.

She must have sensed that I was there, because suddenly her eyes opened and she smiled in the way only she could to get my total attention. She pulled back the sheet and asked me what I was waiting for, and she only had to ask one time. Turned out the sheets were silk and she had purchased them the day before for a surprise. This was the first time I had ever been in a bed with silk sheets and the feeling as so amazing. Silk sheets and the woman of your dreams. When I closed my eyes and moved my hands, I could not tell where the sheet ended and her skin began. It was as if she was one with the silk. It was a form of sensory overload and we made the most of it.

I don’t know what ever happened to those sheets. I wish that I had them now, and wonder if her scent would still be on them after all these years.

Entry #29: Montreal

Montreal was one of our favorite cities. I didn’t travel there often before I met Annie and because of that I knew little of the city. That all changed with Annie.

Annie loved Montreal and convinced me to travel there more often so we could meet and she could show me all the great things about the city. It only took a few trips for me to realize how much I had been missing and how this particular city was so well suited to who we are and our dreams together for the future.

As I write this, you have to remember that all of this transpired a long time ago. Annie was never welcome in the U.S. during that time. The fact that she had a successful corporate career was a testament to her drive and the fact that she found herself in a company that refused to allow discrimination within its ranks. Even by today’s standards, many companies pay lip service to non-discrimination but turn an eye away from actual instances of it.

I became an expert at watching for “the look.” The more often I saw someone looking at Annie with disdain and hostility, the more dismayed I became for her safety. The reality of the situation was that since I was accompanying her, those feelings were projected onto myself as well.

We shared our feelings over this many times and we worked hard to find a place where we could live and have a future together in a welcoming environment. In the end, Montreal became the obvious choice. Even though it was only a short plane ride away, it was like traveling to another world where your gender or color of your skin held no sway over living an every day life in peace and happiness. The U.S. held no such hope for us. Even today, while I still live in the U.S., I would prefer to live somewhere else that is more inclusive and welcoming to everyone.

Without Annie however, there is little motivation for me to leave. Without Annie, life has become something like living on a treadmill. The day-to-day is repetitive, all the while my memories of her surround everything I see and do.

Her picture in my phone and her iPod, which frequently finds itself in my pocket, represent the shattered life that remains from the love that we shared for each other.

Entry #13: The First Time

I remember the first time. After all these years, that moment is burned into my memory forever.

We were in Montreal for a show and it was just another rehearsal like so many others. We played the songs exactly the way we intended them to sound and then sat to listen to the playback.

Annie snuggled up next to me with her head on my shoulder as the music began playing. All of a sudden, when the voice track began, she was singing the lyrics in my ear to the music, soft as a whisper so no one else could hear.

In French! In stunned silence, I just sat there squeezing her hand, hoping the song would never end and I would breathe again before I passed out. As the song went on I could feel her shudder as she sang. When the song ended, I turned to face her, completely confused, only to find her in tears.

Annie said she had not spoken French in years, and she loved me so much she just became overwhelmed in the moment and it seemed to be the only way she could express herself. I had no idea she could speak any other language but English. She said yes, she also spoke Vietnamese and a bit of Tagalog.

After that evening, she spoke to me in French a lot. I mean every day. I do not understand 95% of what she said and she would translate in English immediately, but I had to hear her speak to me in French.

The hours, spent gazing into her eyes as she lovingly whispered to me in French just melted me. I will never hear her voice again, but those are memories I will take with me forever.

Entry #12: Shopping

Annie loved to shop. It didn’t matter what city we were in, she always brought back her latest purchases to the hotel to show off. I don’t know how she found the time with her regular day job and the fact that we always had plans of some sort for the evening. She was obsessed with always having the latest fashion and she would do her research to find the appropriate event or in-place for us to go so she could dress to kill.

I am not much in the shopping world, but have to admit that her constant desire to be in dress up mode did start to affect how I dressed as well. I couldn’t let her be seen with a bum when going out on the town. So I shopped as well.

Shopping with Annie had its perils of course. We enjoyed shopping at night, so we could walk the streets together in the shopping neighborhoods. Stores were always lit up and it was great people watching as well. I always walked on the street side with Annie because that is what a gentleman does. We could be innocently walking down the street having a conversation and suddenly I would find myself alone talking to myself. Sometimes it would take me several minutes to back track and find out which store Annie had dove into. Anything sparkly or sexy displayed in the window would draw her in.

In the beginning, when I would pick out clothing for her she would politely decline my choice saying it was a bit too conservative for her. After a few times like that, I decided to change tactics. I would choose some of the most scandalous outfits I could find. She loved it. Who knew? From that point on she insisted I shop with her, hang out by the dressing rooms and give my opinions. Nothing was too sexy or daring for her to wear.

One night when we were in Montreal she decided she wanted to go shopping for some personal lingerie. I said sure, I can just hang out at a coffee shop as they were on every corner in the old city. She said no, she had a particular shop she always went to for those items and I was to come with her. When we arrived I noticed the windows were all covered for privacy. I told her I didn’t think it was such a good idea for me to accompany her inside, as the clientele might not like a male inside while the ladies were trying on all sorts of things. She just laughed at me and said I was being provincial and she grabbed my hand and in we went.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t embarrassed. There I sat on a comfortable chair while she tried on numerous things and would strut over to me to get my opinion. The fact that the sales women and other women trying on items didn’t even bat an eye that there was a male sitting right there in the open while they took items on and off while I desperately tried to focus only on Annie was distressing to say the least. She finally decided on her purchases and I said, great, we need to get out of here. She laughed at me so hard I had to join her. She was totally enjoying my discomfort in the whole situation and promised to give me a private show when we got back to the hotel. As we walked away, she whispered into my ear…think how much more you will enjoy it the next time. I just shook my head thinking how in the world did I get so lucky to have this sexy, sometimes fearful, sometimes fearless, sometimes powerful woman to look forward to being with the rest of my life.