Entry #24: The Takedown

Somewhere in the back of my mind way back then, I knew that there are intolerant and bigoted people out there. Yet, I have been fortunate to not have to deal with any of them until the one time I did.

Annie and I loved to take long walks along nature trails. Never in a hurry, we held hands and meandered wherever the trails went, enjoying the solitude and quiet that nature can provide. There were times we would spend a half-day just wandering around waiting to see what would be around the next bend in the trail. We never saw anyone we knew on these walks and encountered few others since we usually took these hikes during the week when the trails were less crowded.

One time we enjoyed the forest outside one of our favorite cities and when the hike was over, we headed over to the parking lot where we had left our car. While walking across the parking lot, I heard someone call out my name. I turned around to see one of my friends, Jan, waving at me. She was with some other people and was heading toward us. My shields went up immediately as I had told my friends that I was in a relationship, yet I never introduced Annie to any of my friends in concern for her safety and now I was confronted with that possibility with no place to turn to.

I introduced Annie to Jan and her husband Ron and they introduced the people they were with. I don’t have any recollection of their names at all. I go back a long way with Jan and Ron as we were friends since high school. They seemed overjoyed to meet Annie and I started to feel a little better.

The other guy however, spent a lot of time staring at Annie and started whispering to the woman he was with. She gave him the look that said shut up and elbowed him in the ribs. He didn’t take it well. He wasn’t a big guy, about my size, but the woman he was with was larger than either of us. I could see a problem coming, so I decided it was time for us to leave and as we were saying our goodbyes he started in with the comments about Annie. I thought, well, here we go, the one thing I feared the most. Time to bring out my football moves from years ago. As I turned to walk towards him, Annie wouldn’t let me go, Jan said don’t, stepped in between us, and the woman he was with yelled at him to knock it off.

He then started in on me, asking what kind of man was I to be with Annie? Before I could make any effort at a response, the woman he was with turned and slammed him with a roundhouse like I had never seen. He went down like a ton of bricks and was out for the count. She turned to us, apologized and said don’t worry, this is nothing compared to what he will get when he wakes up. I thanked her because I couldn’t think of anything else to do or say.

Jan and Annie were crying hysterically and Annie gave her a big hug, and we left promising to meet her and Ron that night for drinks.

That was the first time I experienced first hand what I dreaded so much and had heard so many stories about from Annie and Ellen. I told her we had to speed up our plans to move to Canada because I couldn’t live in this country any more. Her safety was the most important thing to me and I just could not deal with her having to live with this the rest of her life.

Entry #23: Waking Up

I don’t sleep much since Annie died. Most nights I sleep for four to five hours.

I do manage to spend that time dreaming. My dreams encompass every little detail of my life with Annie. All of our trips, meals, events we attended and even down to the minute details of our intimate time together.

The problem I have is with waking up in the morning. When my eyes pop open and I realize I am awake, it’s always with disappointment. Waking just kills my dreams of Annie and leaves me with another day to get through without her.

I don’t know how to get past this part. It sometimes seems like a never-ending circle or ground hog day every day. I wake up waiting for the light that never comes. Annie was the light and when that was snuffed out, there left little but darkness.

So, every day I go about my routines. I have projects I am working on, but they are fractured. All of them started, yet I am easily distracted by my thoughts of Annie that constantly pop into my mind at any hour of the day or night. At times I wonder if any of them will ever get finished.

At the end of each day I know there will be sleep. That is when my mind is clearest. I can relive every moment of our lives together in vivid color, hear her voice and feel her just as if she was there in bed with me.

If only I could sleep with her longer, perhaps it wouldn’t be so hard to be awake.

Entry #21: Our First Kiss

I grew up in a big city. I lived in good and bad neighborhoods. I didn’t personally experience any discrimination even well into adulthood.

When you just hang around with a bunch of your male friends for years, you inevitably hear trash talking about a lot of different subjects. There were always side comments from certain males I knew. Comments about Blacks, Asians, Hispanics and Gays. There was a special disdain for Transgender people even though most of us had no idea what that meant.

Now, I don’t really know how to explain to anyone what it was like to live in an environment where this went on all the time, when you consider most of us didn’t even know anyone in several of these groups. Sure, I had some black and hispanic friends but I had no first hand meetings with anyone who was asian, gay or transgender. Most of these terrible comments I attribute to what they heard at home or grew up hearing between themselves. Every group had a stereotype that people would exploit for laughs, whether any of it was true or not. I would protest and refuse to take part in any of it, but in truth, I was the only one. To this day I cannot imagine why no one else had an opposing opinion. I do believe that people are easy to judge those who they think are different from themselves. An awful lot of people are small minded and can easily be manipulated into bigotry and discrimination.

So it was, that after meeting Annie and her telling me on our third meeting that she was born a boy, I didn’t know how to process that. We knew right away that there was something special between us and that first kiss was going to happen right then and there. She was pretty clear in her fear of that moment as she had never kissed a male. I said all the right things and I wanted that kiss more than she could have imagined. But, at the same time, my mind was reeling. I knew in my heart she is a woman but my mind began playing tricks on me.
Wasn’t she born a boy?
I had never kissed a male.
But SHE IS a woman.
But, she was born a boy.
But, look at her she is a woman!

She looked at me with these huge eyes for the first time and I knew this was the moment. I leaned in and we kissed. Before I knew it we were embraced and kissing with a passion I had never experienced.

My mind was wrong. She was 100% woman. She looked like a woman, smelled like a woman, tasted like a woman. Everything I ever heard about transgender women was wrong. Everything I had heard about asian women was wrong.

I knew right then and there that I loved her with my whole being. Nothing would ever be the same again as long as she was in my life. I had kissed many women in my life. Annie was the first woman I kissed who would change my life.

Entry #20: Inevitable

It had to happen sometime. I just didn’t give it a thought and do anything to prevent it.

Annie and I had our own apartments in our own cities and seldom did we share nights in either of them. We spent so much time on the road, that hotels became our home.

In particular, the three cities we visited most often and liked the best, we made a point to stay at the same hotels and even requested the same rooms for our visits. Since we were regulars and the staff at each came to recognize us it was an inside joke that we always took the same rooms even when we did not ask. Upon making the reservation, those are the rooms we were assigned. I suppose there was a notation in our records.

Last year I made a last minute trip and without thinking, made a reservation in one of our favorite hotels. Upon check in I was given the room number of the room we had stayed in so often. I asked for a different room and was informed sorry the rest of the hotel is filled up. I said maybe I should find another hotel and the desk clerk said almost everything in the city is booked for a huge convention so I was stuck.

My anxiety levels went through the roof after getting into the room. The table where we shared so many meals, the sofa where we watched so many movies… And then the bedroom where I watched her sleep so many times, where we made love so many times…

I didn’t sleep at all that night. All I could focus on was what she looked like sleeping, how she felt and how she smelled. Even after all this time, every little thing about her is still crystal clear in everything I do and every place I go. I cannot see any path to move on.

Entry #18: It’s a Black Tie Thing (part2)

The band arrived in San Francisco, retrieved our luggage and instruments and sure enough, Steve had a bus waiting to take us to the hotel. Steve was in the ballroom attending to details and welcomed us and had one of his assistants shuffle us through check in and gave us a time for sound check. Everything seemed to be as discussed and he said our clothes were already in our rooms. He pulled me aside and invited Annie and I to lunch with Jean and himself. He said Annie was already out with Jean and they would meet us at lunchtime.

I needed some time to clean up so I headed up to our room and sure enough, Annie’s stuff was already in the room and hanging up were two garment bags. One had a nice black suit for me and one was obviously for Annie. I took a quick peek inside and was a little worried about her dress. It was a sparkly purple in color, a color she never wore and while I didn’t pull it out of the bag it seemed to be hanging a little weird. There were also matching heels that seemed awful high.

We all met up a bit later and when Annie gave me a hug and kiss she whispered something French in my ear and Steve heard her. When getting ready to sit, Steve pushed himself between Annie and Jean. I immediately became uneasy as I am always so protective of her.

From out of nowhere, Steve and Jean began a conversation with Annie in french. It became a threeway conversation with a lot of laughing, and some blushing from Annie as they looked over at me and would say something else they thought funny. Since I don’t speak french, and understand so little, I seemed to be the butt of their jokes and comments.

Annie was going out again with Jean and said she would meet me in the ballroom shortly before the show and to just go ahead and get dressed when I needed to. As Steve and I left he told me how much he liked Annie and thought she was a perfect match for me. She had reluctantly told him about our plans to get married in a few months and Steve said once we were all settled he wanted us to visit their place in England.

The sound check went fine and all seemed to be in order, so the guys all went to our rooms to get ready and agreed to meet for drinks like we always do before a show. Steve and I were the first two down and we were hanging out in front of the stage with drinks when Annie and Jean walked in. I was facing away and didn’t know they were there until I heard Steve say “Holy Shit.” I quickly turned around and couldn’t believe what I saw.

Annie was walking across the room towards us. She looked like a vision. The gown left little to the imagination. In those heels she towered over Jean and it looked like she was poured into the dress, what little there was of it. From the hips down it went to the floor, but there was little there from the hips up. The dress had a plunging neckline down to her stomach and when the light hit it just right it seemed to be see through. The color on Annie was amazing. I was speechless and finding it hard to even breathe. My mind was spinning over what I was seeing and Steve kept saying holy shit!

The look on my face seemed to be a problem when she got to me as her eyes became huge (like they always did when she was fearful) and she put her arms around me and asked didn’t I approve of the dress? All I could manage was to tell her she is the most beautiful woman I have ever known and my heart can’t stand it anymore. When I put my arms around her I was shocked again to feel her back. There was no dress there at all. It was open all the way down to her butt. The color, the fit, the pure sexual tension that emanated from her astounded me.

During our first break Annie and I danced and I was in real trouble. When I held her close I could feel every inch of her body. It was like the dress wasn’t even there. I whispered into her ear how is the dress even staying on, what is underneath it? She whispered back there is nothing underneath it. I was doomed.

When the show ended I grabbed a couple of bottles of champagne and glasses and said we had to get out of here. It was the longest elevator ride of my life. We got into our room and I poured a glass for us both. She was standing right next to a table with a small bag on it that I didn’t even notice at first. As we stared into each others eyes I told her how much I loved her and I moved to lower the sleeve of the dress off her shoulder. She immediately stopped me and shook her head no. I was confused. As her eyes got big again she dropped the dress herself. Holy shit! There was indeed nothing under that dress. I reached for her and again she pushed my hands away, shook her head and said no. She reached into the little bag and drew out a blindfold, put it on and pressed herself against me and said “now show me how much you love me.”

The next thing I remember is we were in a tangle of arms and legs and early morning light was coming through the window. As I watched her while she was sleeping I thought this is the most beautiful woman in the world and I get to spend the rest of my life with her. I will never forget that night.

Entry #16: Peace

Mental peace for me has been elusive. For the last ten years, achieving peace has and continues to be hard to get a handle on.

So while seeing those pictures of Annie a week or so ago dredged up all the old demons and opened the door once again to the dark places I keep hidden, I thought that maybe I could make something positive out of the experience.

I took one of the printed photos of her and scanned it into the computer so I now have a digital copy. I didn’t edit it in any way. I wanted to remember her exactly the way she was when I took the picture so long ago. It is one of the few pictures I made of her. She avoided the camera whenever I pointed it in her direction. Some people just have an aversion to having their picture taken and Annie did not appreciate the art form at all.

Now I have a picture of Annie in my phone, and surprise myself how often I go to look at it. I haven’t slept well in those ten years. I always manage to wake up around three or four in the morning dreaming of her. The last few nights I have reached over and picked up the phone to look at her picture. I can remember every detail of her body, how she smelled, the beautiful sound of her voice and laughter. Using the picture has allowed me to go back to sleep for another hour or so.

I still don’t have peace as I dream of her every night. But, what the picture has given me is a bit more peaceful sleep. I can take that. I will never post a photo of her anywhere since she didn’t like her photo to be taken, but I may show it to a few people if they ever ask. I think I am ready to show a few people the image of the woman who chose me. We almost had it all. It was within reach and then snatched away from us.

Entry #15: Disfunction

When Annie described her family life and her journey, I found it to be a heartbreaking story.

She said that she knew who she was by the time she reached ten years old. While her mother supported her in minor ways, the animosity she received from her father devastated her. He railed against all her decisions, and when she was thirteen he threw her out of the house.

Against all odds Annie and Ellen surfed couches at the homes of friends and worked their way through high school. They went to the same college and even though they both worked around their classes, they could only afford one studio room on campus, which they shared until they graduated.

Both were lucky to land full time careers after graduation. Ellen with the government, which meant moving to Denver and Annie with an insurance company, making the move to Seattle. While building their careers they found they travelled frequently to the same cities and saw each other at least twice a month.

When we met, Annie was thirty nine, and Ellen was thirty eight. Neither were able to keep in touch with their families although through friends Annie made sure her mother always knew where she was. I remember many nights we would lie in bed and she would tell me horrible stories of her childhood. I grew to despise her father, even though we would never meet.

Even though we had not yet completed the arrangements to live together and move to Canada, our lives together were as normal as could be expected taking into consideration the discrimination she endured in the country at the time. She would take me to dance clubs in three of our favorite cities where she knew she would be safe from scrutiny and there would not be any issues. These clubs were unlike the bars or music rooms I frequented. Everyone was there to have a good time and no one cared about your personal life. We always went as a couple and were accepted as such.

After Annie passed and the months of anger and despair seemed to ease up a bit, I found that everything had changed for me mentally. It wasn’t enough that I gave up playing music. Traveling to the same cities we always travelled to, I found myself walking down the same streets, looking into the same shop windows, picking out clothes for Annie even though she was gone. One morning I woke up to find a bag on the table with a beautiful sexy dress in it. I obviously bought it the night before. At least I had the receipt so I took it back. I knew I had reached a turning point one night when I went into one of the clubs we had both visited so many times. It was so strange to go in as a male without her on my arm. There were some looks and I got the distinct feeling I wasn’t welcome any more. I was at the bar having a drink when a woman came up next to me, grabbed my ass and said hello. I turned to her, smiled and said sorry I am just leaving. I don’t know what she had in mind, but I was not interested.

I knew right then that I could not continue on like this. All of the adventures and the life we had in those cities were now just memories and every visit became more difficult. When I returned home, I quit my job. I could no longer play the music and I couldn’t continue to mentally tear myself apart revisiting those places. I just did not care about anything.

Over the intervening years the band has continued to reach out to me to play shows, but I just can’t do it. I still love music and will frequently go to some of my old clubs as long as the music is not what I played. Since I gained all the weight, most of the people I know don’t recognize me and I am ok with that. I would rather just pay for a ticket and sit in a dark corner in the back and enjoy the music without having to interact with anyone. I don’t travel much either and when I do, I pick places I haven’t been to before so I don’t have to face those old places.

I can face the fact that I have some sort of mental deficiency in dealing with this past, but the thought of going to a complete stranger to discuss it seems a bridge too far to me. Writing seems to be an adequate outlet for now, but what I miss most is having that human physical contact that comes from a having a true friend you can just hug and touch and discuss your true feelings with.

Entry #14: Introvert

I have always been an introvert. The truth is that I find most people either uninteresting or down right disappointing. Idle conversation just does not hold my interest and I would prefer to listen most of the time and if I have something of value to contribute I will.

So many conversations are initiated by people who just like to hear themselves speak. I am just not one of those people. Many of those same people show no interest in what is happening in the lives of others they are friends with. They are happy to pass the time with meaningless conversation, but seldom if ever ask the questions of another that would show that they are truly interested.

Over the years, my habit of listening more than speaking, and asking the hard questions of my friends gave me perspective into their lives. I can count on one hand the number of times those types of questions were posed to me. Disappointing, right?

Annie turned that model upside down. She immediately started out asking questions, and in return revealing her personal self. She was and still is the only person that managed to break through to me on a personal level. She was the only one who proved she did care by making the effort. Even today, I can start out a conversation with someone new, ask some questions, reveal some facts and still not get a question in return. I have to believe that most people just do not care how others feel or what is going on in their lives.

We had the deepest, heartfelt conversations between us as we described all our fears and hopes to each other. We both loved rain storms. When a storm was approaching we would head to the nearest beach to feel the fury of the storm and the pounding of the waves. The dark energy seemed to revitalize us.

Storms are a lot different for me now that she has passed. I still go to the ocean if I am near, whenever a storm occurs but no longer get the same result. It is always the same for me. I wait till the rain begins to pound on the sand and walk to the waters edge and sit and wait. The spot is always chosen where others are out enjoying the storm. I always write Annies name in the sand in front of me and wait. I wait for the rising waters to wash away her name as the tears stream down my face. No one else can see the tears because of the rain pounding on everything.

It would be so easy to just get up and walk out into the water and never be seen again. But then what? There is no guarantee I would see her again. Nor is there a guarantee that the memories I have of her would still be memories, or would there be nothing but darkness? The risk of losing those memories, which are the only thing that keeps me going every day is too much to consider.

So, when the tears finally subside, I get up and leave. There will be another storm and then I will be back to write her name in the sand once more.

Entry #12: Shopping

Annie loved to shop. It didn’t matter what city we were in, she always brought back her latest purchases to the hotel to show off. I don’t know how she found the time with her regular day job and the fact that we always had plans of some sort for the evening. She was obsessed with always having the latest fashion and she would do her research to find the appropriate event or in-place for us to go so she could dress to kill.

I am not much in the shopping world, but have to admit that her constant desire to be in dress up mode did start to affect how I dressed as well. I couldn’t let her be seen with a bum when going out on the town. So I shopped as well.

Shopping with Annie had its perils of course. We enjoyed shopping at night, so we could walk the streets together in the shopping neighborhoods. Stores were always lit up and it was great people watching as well. I always walked on the street side with Annie because that is what a gentleman does. We could be innocently walking down the street having a conversation and suddenly I would find myself alone talking to myself. Sometimes it would take me several minutes to back track and find out which store Annie had dove into. Anything sparkly or sexy displayed in the window would draw her in.

In the beginning, when I would pick out clothing for her she would politely decline my choice saying it was a bit too conservative for her. After a few times like that, I decided to change tactics. I would choose some of the most scandalous outfits I could find. She loved it. Who knew? From that point on she insisted I shop with her, hang out by the dressing rooms and give my opinions. Nothing was too sexy or daring for her to wear.

One night when we were in Montreal she decided she wanted to go shopping for some personal lingerie. I said sure, I can just hang out at a coffee shop as they were on every corner in the old city. She said no, she had a particular shop she always went to for those items and I was to come with her. When we arrived I noticed the windows were all covered for privacy. I told her I didn’t think it was such a good idea for me to accompany her inside, as the clientele might not like a male inside while the ladies were trying on all sorts of things. She just laughed at me and said I was being provincial and she grabbed my hand and in we went.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t embarrassed. There I sat on a comfortable chair while she tried on numerous things and would strut over to me to get my opinion. The fact that the sales women and other women trying on items didn’t even bat an eye that there was a male sitting right there in the open while they took items on and off while I desperately tried to focus only on Annie was distressing to say the least. She finally decided on her purchases and I said, great, we need to get out of here. She laughed at me so hard I had to join her. She was totally enjoying my discomfort in the whole situation and promised to give me a private show when we got back to the hotel. As we walked away, she whispered into my ear…think how much more you will enjoy it the next time. I just shook my head thinking how in the world did I get so lucky to have this sexy, sometimes fearful, sometimes fearless, sometimes powerful woman to look forward to being with the rest of my life.

Entry #11: Gerald

A long time friend recently passed away. He had a very long and productive life.

Gerald and I met when I was in my late teens. He was in his early thirties at that time and he was a priest unlike any other. My friends and I would hang out in the local pool hall and we always saw Gerald there as well. One day we happened to get chosen for a scratch game with him and that is how we met.

I really did not know how to take him at first. He played pool like a shark, drank as much or more than we did and could tell the dirtiest jokes you ever heard. At the same time however, he was the sweetest and most supporting person you could hope to meet. He always listened to our troubles and dispensed his advise and thoughts to us no matter the subject.

We remained friends over the years and while he eventually moved to a position on the east coast, there was never a doubt about keeping in touch. It was one of those friendships that you just can’t explain. We were so different and so similar in opposite ways. Eventually he resigned his position and married a wonderful woman who was a stabilizing force in his life. He never thought much about his place in the world. He just went about his business helping less fortunate people in any way he could.

It came to pass one day after I met Annie that I really needed to have someone to talk to. Someone who could listen to my thoughts of love for her and fears about how our life together would play out in a country where she was not welcome. I called up Gerald and we spoke for quite some time. In the end his advice was to stop worrying about what anyone else thought or said about our relationship. It was none of their business and if they wanted to make it their business, they were no friends of mine. He suggested we simply love each other and find a place where we felt comfortable and safe and choose that for our home. Yes, he agreed Canada was a much better place. He held a lot of disdain for the U.S. claim of morality while the people acted like prudes whenever the topic of sexuality or gender came up. I do believe his thought process was ahead of the times we lived in, and was shocking that it came from a priest.

I wish Annie could have met him, as I am sure she would have enjoyed his friendship as well. He passed peacefully in his sleep, which is the preferred way to go in my opinion. Ours was a friendship based on mutual respect and a willingness for each of us to listen to what the other had to say. There is very little of that in the world anymore and those types of friendships are rare indeed. I know this to be a fact because after losing Annie, Ellen and now Gerald there is no one left that I can say gives me the same respect that I am willing to give in return.

While I am sad to see him go, I know that Gerald made a huge difference in many people’s lives while he was here. I am grateful to have enjoyed a lifetime of friendship with him and who knows, perhaps we will meet again in another time and another place.