Entry #56: Yin and yang

In ancient philosophy, yin and yang is a concept of dualism, describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnects, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. -Wikipedia.

Light and dark.

It can be argued that everything in life is a struggle between light and dark, and at times, it is not so much of a struggle as it is that of a duality of personalities, that while seeming to be different, may actually be two sides of the same force.

For the year that I had Annie, my life was filled with light. When she passed, the darkness took the place where the light once resided. Annie had her light and dark moments to be sure. We all have them, and yet Annie was a force that could push the dark moments away with her smile. Her skin color against mine, was like an aphrodisiac, and I made the most of every moment possible when I could enjoy that difference.

Once she was gone, there was no longer any light/dark interaction to enjoy. It seemed that everything now resided in the dark side of yin and yang.

For years now, my dreams were dominated by my memories of Annie, but recently, something changed. More and more often, someone else appears in my dreams in the moments before I awake. She has become my muse of sorts, regarding my writing. Our discussions do not seem to have any boundaries, as we ask each other personal questions that we are both willing to answer. Stories we both have kept locked up, now seem to have found a partner in discussion and empathy.

We seem to enjoy some version of yin and yang. Sure, we both have dark stories to tell, and by listening to each other, we can pull light out of those dark stories. The yin and yang, back and forth, have opened my mind to a place of peace that has evaded me for years.

When she is serious and relating her stories, I can observe her strength and when she moves to lighter topics, her smile will light up the room. As I listen and absorb her stories, I marvel at the melanin color of her skin, and wonder what it would look like to see her body against the whiteness of mine. Could the texture, feel as smooth as it looks?

Yin and yang. Light and dark. Melanin and white.

Entry #19: Alone In The Crowd

It’s hard to explain what loneliness feels like when you are surrounded by other people. Conversations take place on a variety of subjects but with increasing frequency I quickly lose interest and find myself drifting away into my own thoughts.

I lost more than I ever knew when Annie passed away. It wasn’t just that I had lost the woman of my dreams who I had waited all my life for. It wasn’t just losing the woman I committed to spending the rest of my life with. It wasn’t just losing the woman who loved me as much as I loved her.

I also lost the woman who I shared my deepest thoughts and fears about our relationship and she shared back. It takes a special person who is willing to make the effort to listen to what someone else has to say, to feel empathy for that other person and to join into a meaningful conversation. It is an unbelievable challenge to find someone who will listen after losing the one person who did.

When you try to find another person you can connect with on that level, you find in short order where to look. I have plenty of male friends and the truth is, not one of them fall into that category. I think it is a male thing. Males have a difficult time relating and talking to another male on that level. At least that is my experience.

Females however, no matter how they identify as such seem to possess the ability to show empathy and the willingness to engage. I have been trying to find someone with that female perspective to engage with but without success. It’s not about meeting someone to begin a relationship. It’s not about meeting someone for sex (although the human touch contains so much power that I truly miss). No, It’s about meeting someone you can establish a friendship with and to be able to engage in those deeper conversations.

I have met a couple of women I thought might fit the bill, but it doesn’t look like it will happen. So what I am left with is this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. It might be hard to imagine, when you are surrounded by people and conversation, but it is real and there is no escaping it. I haven’t decided yet, but I may just stop looking.

The decision has already been made to not seek another relationship because I will never betray what I had with Annie. Not finding that new friendship may also continue to be elusive, and if that is the case, then loneliness could be my new reality. Sometimes there is safety in being embraced in your own thoughts.

Entry #4: In the Dark

So here I sit here in darkness on the cold concrete wall

Watching the surf as it tumbles and falls

The waves roar in anger while hiding the darkness below

My mind is consumed in anger and darkness and at times it’s all I know

I know that you rest forever beyond the sea

But is it possible you are waiting for me

When you left, the darkness snuffed out your light

In a mind full of darkness can there again be light

I would come to you to embrace what is now done

But I cannot bear the pain of seeing your name on a stone

There is comfort and warmth in my darkness

My mind embraces darkness in order to see your light

I know that you rest forever beyond the sea

But is it possible you are waiting for me

I think of you very day

Dream of you every night

Remember your scent

Remember your taste

Remember your smile

Remember your joy

The memories are all that’s left

I want to leave the darkness where your light is bright

But fear that once the darkness is gone I’ll never again find your light

The dark place is safe and the dark place is bright

But is an escape worth the fight

Shattered and broken, shattered and broken

The ultimate heartbreak of a grief unspoken

At one point my journey will end

And then I will find you again

I know that you rest forever beyond the sea

But is it possible you are waiting for me