Entry 85: Life goes on

Recently, a friend wrote the following…

“So, let me get this straight:

I am not safe as a woman, because a man could kill me for nothing more than saying I am not interested?

I am not safe as a black person because the cops could kill me for nothing more than driving while black?

And, I am not safe as a queer person, because a bigot could kill me for nothing more than existing?

Yeah…why ever would I hate living in the U.S.?

It is clearly great here..”

S.S.

I was shocked when I read this, as no one I know personally,  has ever verbalized their feelings quite like this, and it brought back so many memories.

This country was founded on racism and bigotry, and it exists today throughout this country. The founding fathers, as it were, came to this land to escape religious and political persecution, and they founded a country based on exactly those values that they wished to escape from. The difference, is that they used those same values against everyone who was not white and christian like themselves. White men committed genocide against the first nation people who lived on this land for centuries. They enslaved black people whom they stole from homelands far away, and the laws these white people wrote treated people of color as property and not human beings. Blacks, asians, latins, anyone who was not white, or shared any religion that was other than christian was and still is discriminated against every day in this country.

Growing up in a major city, I was blissfully unaware of discrimination in my early youth. You see, I am considered an “other”. There were places I could not go, places I could not live. I knew these things, and yet was too young to question them. I am not a person of color in that designation, but my religion is enough to bring scrutiny upon myself.

When I met Annie, all that changed. If you’ve read any of my journal you would know why. You see, Annie lived in the perfect storm. She was Asian, not white, not christian, and she was transgender female, all designations christians hate the most. Then add in the fact that I am Jewish and there you have it.

The year we spent together was full of joy and fear. Everything we shared was based upon these two emotions. The joy of our mutual love was impossible to kill and yet every day, every place we went in this country, the fear of bigotry and discrimination was always so close to the surface, and we were always on guard as to who was around us and where we went.

We came so close to leaving this country. So close, we could taste the freedom from bigotry, discrimination and the ability to live our lives without fear. If Annie had not passed away, we would have lived our lives together in a safer country.

So, here we all are now in 2022. The racism, bigotry and discrimination from white christians still exists, and they make no effort to hide it. They are proud of who they are and make sure that everyone who is an “other” knows it and knows their place.

Personally, I think I am now too old to start over in a new country, and even after fifteen long and painful years, I grieve for Annie every day. I also had hopes that this country could change its racist ways, but that hope is fading fast.

I was so shocked when I read that quote from my friend, but I suppose I should not have been. I wish I had some comforting words to share with her, but I do not. She spoke the truth that white christians will never understand.

Entry #42: Fear

Recently, a reader asked me what my motivation is to write this blog. I can sum it up in one word.

Fear.

As we all get older, many people encounter cognitive and mental acuity issues, dementia and more. So, being in control of my mental faculties, at least for the moment, this blog addresses my fears of losing that control at some point. You see…I remember absolutely everything about Annie, so I put these memories down in writing, just in case the day comes when I cannot remember.

I remember everything…

Her laugh

Her beauty

Her fashion

Her strengths

Her weaknesses and vulnerabilities

Her desire to be accepted and loved and her fear of not being accepted and loved

Her smell

Her taste

Every single inch of her body

How she looks when she is sleeping

Her ability to communicate with me through simple glances

The list is endless right now and my fear is that the memory list may get shorter as I get older.

So…I write…