Entry #26: Closure

Saying a final goodbye can often provide closure.

I never have had the closure I need so much when I lost Annie. She passed away in a foreign country and is buried there along side some of her extended family.

I did however get closure with Ellen. When Ellen passed, I got the word from her girlfriend Lisa. So soon after losing Annie, it was a devastating call. Lisa was frantic to find out what the final arrangements were going to be, but she was rebuffed by Ellen’s family.

In the end we decided that she should probably reach out to the agency Ellen worked for as a last resource. It turned out to be a good decision. Ellen’s director gave up the details under the understanding no one would know where it came from.

Ellen would be buried in the Denver area where her family now lived. Lisa and I agreed that we had to make the trip to say our farewells. We didn’t go to the service, but we hung out in the car at the cemetery and waited for them all to show up. It was a gray and drizzly day and when everyone gathered together, Lisa and I got out of the car and hung back under a tree not far away, but close enough to hear. The family saw us since we were apart from them, and it was obvious we were not welcome, as we were a part of Ellen’s life that they refused to acknowledge.

Even in death, her family refused to acknowledge her life and referred to Ellen by her birth name. Lisa was devastated by that insult. As the family was leaving, we could see the not so furtive looks aimed at us, but we did not shirk from their scrutiny. Once they all left we went over to the plot to say our own farewells.

It grinds on me still that the name on the stone is Ellen’s birth name, completely eliminating anything about her real life. Her family never knew the real Ellen and what a vibrant, beautiful woman she was. More importantly, Lisa has the closure she needs.

Entry #11: Gerald

A long time friend recently passed away. He had a very long and productive life.

Gerald and I met when I was in my late teens. He was in his early thirties at that time and he was a priest unlike any other. My friends and I would hang out in the local pool hall and we always saw Gerald there as well. One day we happened to get chosen for a scratch game with him and that is how we met.

I really did not know how to take him at first. He played pool like a shark, drank as much or more than we did and could tell the dirtiest jokes you ever heard. At the same time however, he was the sweetest and most supporting person you could hope to meet. He always listened to our troubles and dispensed his advise and thoughts to us no matter the subject.

We remained friends over the years and while he eventually moved to a position on the east coast, there was never a doubt about keeping in touch. It was one of those friendships that you just can’t explain. We were so different and so similar in opposite ways. Eventually he resigned his position and married a wonderful woman who was a stabilizing force in his life. He never thought much about his place in the world. He just went about his business helping less fortunate people in any way he could.

It came to pass one day after I met Annie that I really needed to have someone to talk to. Someone who could listen to my thoughts of love for her and fears about how our life together would play out in a country where she was not welcome. I called up Gerald and we spoke for quite some time. In the end his advice was to stop worrying about what anyone else thought or said about our relationship. It was none of their business and if they wanted to make it their business, they were no friends of mine. He suggested we simply love each other and find a place where we felt comfortable and safe and choose that for our home. Yes, he agreed Canada was a much better place. He held a lot of disdain for the U.S. claim of morality while the people acted like prudes whenever the topic of sexuality or gender came up. I do believe his thought process was ahead of the times we lived in, and was shocking that it came from a priest.

I wish Annie could have met him, as I am sure she would have enjoyed his friendship as well. He passed peacefully in his sleep, which is the preferred way to go in my opinion. Ours was a friendship based on mutual respect and a willingness for each of us to listen to what the other had to say. There is very little of that in the world anymore and those types of friendships are rare indeed. I know this to be a fact because after losing Annie, Ellen and now Gerald there is no one left that I can say gives me the same respect that I am willing to give in return.

While I am sad to see him go, I know that Gerald made a huge difference in many people’s lives while he was here. I am grateful to have enjoyed a lifetime of friendship with him and who knows, perhaps we will meet again in another time and another place.

Entry #8: Ellen

I met Annie and Ellen the same evening when they came up to me after a show. They were so different from one another that I didn’t understand how they came to be together. Eventually over the next few days most of the story came out from Annie and I almost couldn’t believe it. It turns out that they were born about 6 months apart to two next-door neighbor families in Utah. Annie’s mother is Thai/Vienamese and her father is black American. Ellen’s parents were both caucasian American.

Annie and Ellen were both tall and statuesque. Annie was 5’9”, model thin and always wore extremely high heels. Many nights she towered over me and I loved it. She was a clothes fanatic, always shopping for shoes and clothes and she sure could rock the tiniest of black dresses. She turned heads when she walked into a room and I would think…yeah…she is with me and all mine. Ellen was the opposite. She was a bit taller, I am guessing 5’10 or 11” as she was as tall as I am in the workout shoes she always wore, dressed conservatively for her government job and when she wasn’t working you always saw her in jeans and a sweatshirt. Just as beautiful as Annie, but she always downplayed how she looked and dressed.

Growing up together as best friends, it seemed to me that they could have been fraternal twins. Their sense of humor was quite the opposite. Annie would laugh at anything at any time, yet she couldn’t tell a joke without ruining the punch line. Ellen had the most sarcastic sense of humor I have ever heard. She could cut you down to size with a joke while she smiled at you the whole time. You never knew what was coming at you at any time from Ellen.

When Annie revealed to me that she was trans and we started to work through what that meant for us, she also revealed that Ellen was also trans. I am not a betting man, but I have no idea what the odds are of that being the case of two women who grew up next door to each other. Their stories are heartbreaking. They knew who they were at a very early stage in life and neither of them had the support of their families. Annie was thrown out of the house when she was thirteen. She stayed at Ellen’s house for a few days and things got progressively worse and they both ran away. Somehow they finished high school, went to college and had successful careers. They were always together whenever they met up in different cities.

Annie had never had a real date, and it was a struggle at first for her to wrap her head around a relationship, especially with me being a male. Ellen was more grounded in that she had a girl friend/partner that she lived with in Denver named Lisa. I only met Lisa twice and it was under terrible circumstances. Ellen was one of the sweetest people I ever met. She accepted Annie and my relationship and welcomed me with open arms. Although I only got to hang out with her a dozen or so times, she treated me as if I was a long lost brother.

When Annie died, my whole world crashed and burned. I didn’t know it at the time but so did Ellen’s. A friend of mine had a place on the beach in Baja and said I could use it so off I went. I don’t remember anything at all about that time. Apparently I was there for about three weeks, but it was in a total alcoholic fog. At some point a neighbor complained to my friend about the guy sitting on the beach every day and drinking. Eventually he came and brought me back. Once I got back and working, Ellen and I met one night on the road, had dinner and hung out together at my hotel that night. She was in pretty bad shape over losing Annie as well. I could tell that the joy was gone in her eyes. I worried about her.

One story I told her was about a movie I had recently seen. I was on the road and a friend wanted to go to a movie and thought it would help take my mind off of everything. She recommended a movie called Blood Diamonds or something like that. Big mistake. During the plot the wife, one of the main characters who was a journalist was out in the country in Africa investigating and she was murdered by local gangs. It took the husband quite a while to figure out what happened and where and when he finally found out he travelled to that exact spot and just sat on the ground. Waiting for the gangs to come and take his life so he could be with his wife. In that very moment I knew what I needed to do to be reunited with Annie. I was going to Thailand. I got up and walked out of the movie with my friend frantically grabbing at my clothes to stop me. She got me back to her place and she and her husband took turns all night watching me to make sure I didn’t act on my impulses. Turns out I was a coward and couldn’t have acted on it anyway. End of story.

By the end of the night, all the stories and way too much alcohol and tears it was too late and not possible to get her back to her hotel. I offered for her to stay, she could have the bed and I would take the couch. She insisted on having it the other way around. She said she had an early meeting the next day so she would probably be gone before I got up.

When I finally woke up, she indeed was gone. She had left me the sweetest note however. She explained that she has insomnia since Annie died and spends a good part of her nights walking back and forth. She said she stopped at the bedroom door several times and looked in to see if I was sleeping. She said what she wanted more than anything was to slip under the covers and see what it felt like to snuggle with the man that Annie loved but she was terrified that I would freak out.

That was the last time I saw Ellen. She was so devastated over losing Annie that she committed suicide three weeks later.