Entry #73: Crushed

It has been a while since I last wrote. Truth is…my mind has been going in so many directions, it has been quite hard to even attempt to focus.

When I lost my connection to a friend recently, a huge hole opened up in my life. I worked hard to be a good friend, empathetic, and a good listener. After the connection was lost, I realized it wasn’t enough. There just wasn’t enough interest for her to want to explore my thoughts. I am a good listener, but sometimes you just wish the other person would want to listen to what you had to say for a change. It hurt a lot to lose that friendship.

Having the benefit of hindsight now, I realize a large part of the equation, is the fact that my baggage will not allow anyone else to get close.

When Annie died, my heart was broken forever, but that was not the worst of it. In the real life that went forward, my soul was crushed. I think I can finally come to grip with what I knew to be true from that very day.

The pain of losing her crushed my soul to the point that there is no longer any room for anyone else. Annie brought me a certain joy that no one else will ever be able to give me. I have spent over thirteen years attempting at various times to find that sort of connection and it has been a fruitless endeavor.

Annie was a once in a lifetime love that cannot be replaced. I never thought about growing old without her and yet, here I am. I tried to join her. Twice actually. On two separate occasions, I purchased one way tickets to Thailand. In each instance, I failed to follow through and cancelled those flights because I am too much of a coward to take my own life. The pain of living without her is a constant in my life and no more than a few hours can ever pass without me thinking of her.

So here I am…just another aging guy who manages to live a life in the darkness of pain and memories of of what I had and what might have been, no matter how bright the sun shines.

I have some friends and acquaintances who I see every once in a while, but they are kept at arms length. No one knows what is in my mind, except you who may read my entries here, and I intend to keep it that way for my own benefit. I live with my heartbreak and crushed soul and while I can designate the place to embrace my darkest thoughts, I cannot allow anyone else to penetrate into my inner sanctum. People are so disappointing, and I do not wish to add any more baggage to what I already deal with every waking moment. I know in my heart I will join Annie one day despite my being a coward. Life is finite and that day will come eventually.

Entry #45: Walking

Annie and I walked the cities we visited as much as we could. There is nothing quite like walking various neighborhoods and observing the daily life that ebbs and flows. You can’t get that when in a car or a bus.

However, walking in nature is quite different. When I proposed to Annie that we take a walk into the forest for the first time, she was completely unprepared. She readied herself with a casual dress and some flip flops (and I hate flip flops). I convinced her to change into tights and since she had no hiking shoes, we had to go shopping.

Upon arrival at the trail head, she claimed to be ready, yet I could sense her reluctance to begin. I had no idea until that moment that she had never been on a trail or explored nature in any serious way.

We started out, and the quiet, save for the sound of the wind in the trees just overcame her. We walked for a long time, holding hands and just watching and listening in our own silence. As we progressed, her grip on my hand tightened more and more and I was pretty sure she was having a problem being somewhere where she had little control and where she depended on me to explore and find our way back.

Finding a nice log that was free of insects, we sat in the silence, and tried to absorb the energy of both the forest, as well as our comfort and connection with each other. I knew she was not able to completely relax when I noticed she was shaking and seemed to be trying to say something but was having an issue.

I said we can leave if this makes you uncomfortable, and she just turned to me with tears in her eyes and said she never thought she would ever meet a man who got her. When I asked what she meant, she said that all her life she refused to engage with men as she had been bullied constantly when growing up because of who she was.

That caught me off guard as she had never revealed that before. Annie had never opened that door until we met. This revelation was just another in a long line of reveals from her that proved to me that we had something special that neither of us anticipated.

After getting up off the log, we walked for the better part of the morning, just holding hands and feeling the electricity flowing between us. This happened to be the first of many, many walks we took in nature over the next year.

I miss her every day, especially when I think of walking out and about in nature holding her hand and having that living connection to someone I get.

Now, I am too old to find another like her, but it sure would be nice to have someone to hold hands with and walk through the forest, listening to the wind…