Tag: closure

Entry #51: The Closed Door

Over the years since Annie died, it was always in the back of my mind that I would travel to Thailand so that I could visit her final resting place. At times, I was almost obsessed with making the trip, but always found an excuse not to go. Admittedly, I was afraid for my own safety if I had to confront the reality of the place. All I hoped to accomplish was to be able to sit beside her and tell her of my love and all the ways I felt that I had failed in keeping her safe.

Not so long ago, I received an email notifying me that Annie’s mother had passed. I knew she was older and in poor health, but my denial of the fact that she would not live forever was in full force. We had not communicated much over the years, but when we did, she always managed to explain in her poor English how happy she was that Annie had found me.

My own indecision has now managed to accomplish what I could not mentally manage. With Annie’s mother now gone, there is no one left for me to contact, make any type of arrangements regarding a trip, and I will forever not know where she rests.

The open door that would allow me closure has now slammed shut forever and it was due to my own lack of courage. While I am still incapable of putting this all behind me, and moving forward to what, I don’t even know, I now face the reality of yet another thing that I have failed Annie with.

I was never indecisive when she was with me, yet, without her I am paralyzed with fear, darkness and an overwhelming dread of all the things I now think I should have done differently.

It is said that when one door closes, another opens. I do not see it that way. As I search through the dark corners of my mind for one remaining door for escape, I face the reality that there might not ever be another open door.

I may be stuck in this place for eternity.

Entry #26: Closure

Saying a final goodbye can often provide closure.

I never have had the closure I need so much when I lost Annie. She passed away in a foreign country and is buried there along side some of her extended family.

I did however get closure with Ellen. When Ellen passed, I got the word from her girlfriend Lisa. So soon after losing Annie, it was a devastating call. Lisa was frantic to find out what the final arrangements were going to be, but she was rebuffed by Ellen’s family.

In the end we decided that she should probably reach out to the agency Ellen worked for as a last resource. It turned out to be a good decision. Ellen’s director gave up the details under the understanding no one would know where it came from.

Ellen would be buried in the Denver area where her family now lived. Lisa and I agreed that we had to make the trip to say our farewells. We didn’t go to the service, but we hung out in the car at the cemetery and waited for them all to show up. It was a gray and drizzly day and when everyone gathered together, Lisa and I got out of the car and hung back under a tree not far away, but close enough to hear. The family saw us since we were apart from them, and it was obvious we were not welcome, as we were a part of Ellen’s life that they refused to acknowledge.

Even in death, her family refused to acknowledge her life and referred to Ellen by her birth name. Lisa was devastated by that insult. As the family was leaving, we could see the not so furtive looks aimed at us, but we did not shirk from their scrutiny. Once they all left we went over to the plot to say our own farewells.

It grinds on me still that the name on the stone is Ellen’s birth name, completely eliminating anything about her real life. Her family never knew the real Ellen and what a vibrant, beautiful woman she was. More importantly, Lisa has the closure she needs.