And so it was that I spent the anniversary I dread, with my friend and muse. She had graciously invited me to spend a few hours with her, so I would not be alone on this day. We had such a good time, cooking a meal together, and talking about everything other than the meaning of this particular day. As we sat down together to enjoy a dessert together while watching something on the television, she sat right next to me.

This was the first time she has sat next to me or come any closer than a goodbye or welcome hug in all the time we have known each other. Our positions in our meetings have always been across the table from each other. We both deal with issues, and the fact is, that after all the times we have met, she was finally trusting enough in me to get close. That gave me great joy.

We sat there together, legs and shoulders touching. When I could feel she wasn’t looking, I would steal little glances over to see her expressions. One observation is that in profile, she has one of the cutest noses. At one point, I reached over and put my hand on her leg, and surprising me, she did not move away. I thought briefly, what if I leaned in closer and we kissed?

We are very similar in some ways. Neither of us had the need for idle conversation, and I for one took great comfort in being in the moment with her without having to get distracted in thinking about what to say. The silence, other than the television, feeling the heat of her body next to me made for a wonderful time.

It has been thirteen years since I have enjoyed anything like this with someone new, and have thought that it would never happen again. You see, Annie and I spent hours in silence together. There is some type of bond happening when two people can spend hours in silence, feeling the presence of the other and simply enjoying those quiet moments.

The fact is…I have been thinking of her quite often in the early hours as I awake. However, the next morning after the anniversary something else happened.

My mind betrayed me. I didn’t wake up thinking of Annie, as I have done every single morning for thirteen years. I awoke with thoughts of my muse and friend. I thought of every little movement I remembered from the day before. I recalled each time she smiled during my visit and how much I love to see her smile and push away the issues of the day.

The betrayal off my mind wasn’t limited to who I thought about. My mind also presented me with desire for the first time in thirteen years. All I could think about was what her beautiful body would feel like in my arms and how I might be able to find the ways to pleasure her and make her happy. I desired to taste her kisses and every part of her.

My mind betrayed me with a longing and desire I cannot act upon. I could never bring this up to her in person and risk losing her trust. Trust is something that has to be earned, and while we have reached that point, I could never disrespect her, nor violate that trust.

After all these years, to have finally found another, so much like myself, is difficult to comprehend. I want nothing more than for our friendship to flourish, and despite my desire for her and the betrayal of my mind, I will be happy with this. Unless she gives me some sort of sign that more is possible, then sitting alongside each other, and enjoying our moments together are the parts of our friendship I will continue to cherish.