Entry #82: Time

So, it’s been four months and twenty days since I last wrote here.

With a degree of certainty, I believed that if I just took a break for a while, and focused on my day to day life, I would be able to push my demons into the space they deserve and move away from the darkness.

I was wrong.

This month, was the anniversary of Annie’s birth. It has now been fifteen years since she passed at forty, and the truth is, my grief for her has never waned. I miss her every day and some of those days are impossible to face. It seems like everywhere I go and everything I do, brings back memories of us together and all the plans we had for our future.

After all of this time, I have come to the conclusion that my grief over losing her will never pass. Yet, I look at this as a positive, as I have no other choice. It must be a positive, as my memories of her are as vivid in my mind as the days we made them.

Annie is with me wherever I go. While my sadness and depression over losing her is a constant that I successfully hide from everyone, the memories we made shall never die as long as I can take a breath. It would have been quite different, had I known other people whom I could have shared our story with when she was still alive. Other than a select few, that was not the case. Back then she endured so much discrimination, that I am not sure how she could carry on in the attempt at a normal daily live we take for granted.

I will always take her memories with me, as they represent the fact that I enjoyed the love of an amazing, intelligent and beautiful woman both in public and private.

Going forward, as I recall all of the many events of our relationship, I will attempt to put more of them down into this journal. While I only had her for a scant year, she will always be my heart.

Sure, I know many people, but none but a select few will ever know of Annie. That is how I will continue to protect her. Her secret is safe with me. While she will no longer have to live through the discrimination that was a constant in her life, I will also no longer give the power of that discrimination over to anyone who never knew her. She is safe with me as she always was when we were together.

Entry #43: Safety

It did not take long after Annie and I met before I learned of her fear for her own safety.

The stories that she shared about Ellen and her growing up and facing the world, forced me to take notice of the world around me in ways that I never anticipated.

I made sure that whenever we were out together, I would always be sure to scan the faces of those around us, and ensure that no one ever got too close as to make her uncomfortable.

But, it was the time alone with her while she was sleeping, which I found to cause me to worry more than I could explain. I loved to lay and watch her sleeping, lay my head down on her chest so I could listen to her heart. However, inevitably my thoughts would focus in on what else could I do to ensure her safety. I knew that there was a lot of discrimination in this country, but I had never had to deal with it on a personal level before. Hours would go by some nights while I wrestled with the fact that her fears had now become mine.

Short of leaving the country to make a life together in a safer place, there did not seem to be any other viable solutions. Over time, we discussed this and made our plans. Plans that we were never able to complete.

So, here I am, 12 years and seven months later. Over the years since her passing, I haven’t given a lot of thought about the state of the country. And yet, while there has been much progress regarding equality and the struggle for many groups to find a voice and be heard, it seems like every week I hear of more murders committed against people of color for no other reason than hate.

To be sure, Annie was part of that group. Although the terminology has changed over the years, make no mistake that the hate and discrimination that might have been more subtle back in those days, is still with us and the current regime in this country now advocates outright violence for their extremist followers.

The regular murders of transgender women of color in this country is sickening and heartbreaking. I don’t have a magic wand to come up with a solution. All I have is my memories of Annie and yes, Ellen, and wonder what their lives could have become were they still here.

From where I sit, if something major does not change after this election, then I honestly have to wonder if this country can survive to ensure true equality. More and more, I come to the conclusion that his country no longer holds value to me if there is no equality. Canada is calling, once the borders are open again. Leave or stay. Whichever I decide, my memories of Annie will always be with me.

Just a thought…

Entry #42: Fear

Recently, a reader asked me what my motivation is to write this blog. I can sum it up in one word.

Fear.

As we all get older, many people encounter cognitive and mental acuity issues, dementia and more. So, being in control of my mental faculties, at least for the moment, this blog addresses my fears of losing that control at some point. You see…I remember absolutely everything about Annie, so I put these memories down in writing, just in case the day comes when I cannot remember.

I remember everything…

Her laugh

Her beauty

Her fashion

Her strengths

Her weaknesses and vulnerabilities

Her desire to be accepted and loved and her fear of not being accepted and loved

Her smell

Her taste

Every single inch of her body

How she looks when she is sleeping

Her ability to communicate with me through simple glances

The list is endless right now and my fear is that the memory list may get shorter as I get older.

So…I write…

Entry #33: Singing Rocks

Annie and I loved the beach, but not in the sun.

If it was a cloudy day and we were near a beach somewhere, we manages to take time from our work to just sit and enjoy the sounds and sights of the ocean. We also enjoyed sitting in the dark at night in those same places where we could just snuggle up together under a blanket and discuss our amazing luck in having found each other.

One night we found ourselves at one of our favorite beaches. We had brought a blanket and some wine and planned on an evening together enjoying the solitude and each other. Unfortunately, a lot of other people seemed to have the same idea.

We gathered up our stuff and decided to walk down the beach in a direction we had never gone before to see if we could find a quieter spot. In a short distance, the beach sort of curved around and we found ourselves in a nice quiet place. There wasn’t a lot of sand there and the beach was covered with millions of small rocks and pebbles.

We found a nice spot and while just sitting there the tide came up and the water started to rush up onto the pebbles. As the water receded with each wave, the sound of the water rushing over the rocks was amazing. We had never heard anything like this before.

The water would wash up in normal sounds and as it receded it was like the rocks were singing. It was mesmerizing to us since this was a totally new experience.

I can’t even begin to count how many times we came back to this same spot. We always checked to see what time the tide came in so we would not miss it.

I would love to go back and hear the rocks singing to me again.

But, I just can’t. It could never be the same again.

Entry #27: Beautiful Stranger

There is a common fantasy among the male population. I am not sure if any women have the same fantasy, as I have never asked, but I would suspect it is so for them as well.

It goes like this.

You wait and wait for the day a beautiful stranger will appear in your life and everything you know will change and you live together happily ever after. It could happen, right?

Well, the first half of that happened to me. The night Annie walked up to me was just like thousands of other nights until that moment. I never knew what hit me. I was so mesmerized that I completely missed the start of the conversation. It took a few minutes for me to realize she was actually speaking to me and asking me questions.

Those first few moments changed my life forever. I knew in an instant that this was the moment I had lived my life for. When our eyes locked, we both seemed to recognize at the same time that something scary and at the same time, beautiful was happening to us both. Through everything that transpired from that night on, I could never understand how two people coming from such different places could meet and form an instant bond, while not knowing anything about the other.

I was never sure which of us was more afraid of what was to come. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone and she was afraid of any interactions with men. Her eyes, which were black as coal when we first met, hid her emotions. Yet within minutes I could see subtle changes as the tension in her posture relaxed.

I never tired of watching her change when she was with me. We spent countless hours watching each other in all types of situations. We communicated with each other even in the most intimate moments without speaking a word. I learned exactly what she lacked and desired and how to please her in every way. I waited my whole life for her and she was so much more than I could have ever hoped for.

Annie opened my eyes to people and lifestyles I never experienced before and once I did know, I could not live without them or her. Her joy became mine and her issues became my issues.

When she was ripped from my life, I was left with nothing. All that remains is a black hole where I find my peace and solace in the memories of our life together. I trust few people and put on a happy face when I need to deal with others. But…it is all a lie and a hollow life now.

There will never be another beautiful stranger like Annie in my life. When the fantasy becomes reality, it only happens once in a lifetime.