Entry #81: Five Days

Five days from now will mark yet another anniversary of Annie’s passing. Five days which signify fourteen years. Fourteen years of grief and anger that never subsides, that will not allow me to move on.

Last year on this anniversary, I spent a few hours with a friend, as she did not wish me to spend the day alone. It was a very kind gesture on her part, and I am thankful she granted me that time with her. But in the end, it was not enough. While we spent a few hours together, the subject of Annie never came up. I waited, and waited, and waited for her to ask me something about Annie. Anything. No questions came.I suppose she was just not interested enough to actually try and delve into the meaning of this day for me.

I never make a concrete plan for this day. This year will be different though. I am just a few hours drive away from one of those places that Annie and I found the most peaceful. I might just make the drive and attempt to recapture the feelings we had for each other in this quiet space.

The first time I took Annie to this place, she was quite uncomfortable with the whole idea. She was a city girl and did not appreciate the beauty of the silence of the forest. I brought blankets and pillows and we must have looked silly walking into the forest carrying all of this. Once I found the spot I wanted, we wrapped ourselves in the blankets, me leaning back against a tree, and Annie reclining between my legs, so I could wrap my arms around her while we just sat and listened. It did not take long for our silence and lack of movement to allow the animals nearby to come out as we seemed to not be a threat.

We sat like that for hours, listening and watching nature do it’s thing right in front of us. Hours whispering our love for each other and making check lists of what we had to accomplish before we could move to Montreal, get married and begin our new life together. A business associate had found a flat for sale in the city centre and we made plans to sell things off here and make that purchase.

I will never see that flat in person. I will never again be able to lay in the forest with Annie in my arms, feeling the life and warmth of her body next to mine again.

This may be the last anniversary I spend here wondering what to do unless something major changes.

I think I am almost ready to make the trip to Thailand I have been avoiding for so many years. I will bring a blanket and pillow and find her final resting place. Then I can spread the blanket and lay down upon her grave and once again feel close to her. I have never stopped loving her, and when that moment comes, I hope she will recognize that I am finally there with her once again.

Entry #79: Valentine’s Day

There was a time in my past that I enjoyed this day. More than I could ever describe.

I spent two of them with Annie and those two celebrations were my ultimate joy. We spent those days eating home cooked sensual creations, and when not eating, we spent the day and evening in bed together.

There was nothing we enjoyed more than enjoying sensual massages with each other. I did my research in order to study the most erotic and pleasure producing techniques I could find. I know for sure that my research was successful, as I could not peel Annie away from me once we began.

Looking back, these sort of days were her absolute favorites. She was safe with me, nothing in daily life to distract her or make her fearful. Being transgender, her days were filled with fear and apprehension whenever she was out in public. But those days, as she stared at me lovingly while enjoying the fruits of my labor, the peace I felt was never the same anywhere else without her.

When I was with her like this, my demons were banished and my anxiety over her safety never surfaced. But now it is different.

Valentine’s Day is an empty shell for me. There is no pleasure here. My demons are stronger than ever, and I live with an anxiety that I cannot shed.

The anxiety is the worst part. I would love to find someone to enjoy these sensual massages together, No strings, no relationship required. Just someone who enjoys the acts of intimacy without the commitment and baggage.

Yet, I won’t seek that person out. My anxiety is too strong, and since it has been so many years since enjoying those moments, my anxiety now encompasses the fear of lack of performance. What if things don’t work like they used to?

A lack of performance ability would be devastating, not to mention impossible to face.

So, I will spend the day thinking of Annie and remembering all of those joyful moments we spent together.

I think in the end, it is better this way.

Entry #77: Fraud

I am such a fraud.

Recently, I had the opportunity to go out for a drink with a female friend. She and her husband are pretty good friends to me.

She went on and on about what a chill and down to earth guy I am, and that they both appreciate my friendship.

Little does she know that I die inside a little more every time I hear something like that. They have no idea who I am…none. And…I cannot or will not tell them.

Another anniversary of Annie’s death is fast approaching and if have to be honest about it, I don’t know how much longer I can bear it.

They never knew about Annie. Almost no one in my life has that knowledge, and holding that knowledge deep inside is going to be the end of me. I wish I had the opportunity to tell her story somewhere other than in these pages, but I trust no one to be able to understand.

You see…whenever any of my feelings for Annie came out in the open, she and I were met by absolute hatred for who she was and by extension myself for loving her. Maybe it was just the times we lived in back then and maybe things are better today, yet I refuse to take another chance that the relationship we had can be met with understanding and acceptance.

No one in the outside world who knew Annie’s story accepted her. I was the only one. I will never understand the cruelty and hatred that humans have for one another, and I have given up trying to make any sense of it all.

Forty two more days till I relive her death yet again.

No one knows, no one cares, no one can see me as the fraud that is right in front of them. I am not the person I present to you. You cannot see into my heart and the darkness that enslaves me.

Entry #59: Anniversaries

There are many different types of anniversaries, and most of us celebrate numerous ones over the years. Most of these are occasions that mark happier times, but some remind us of struggles and sadness over events we may or may not have had any control over.

Next week is one of those in the latter category for me. Annie and I only celebrated one anniversary together, marking the span of time where we not only were able to learn so much about each other, but to realize how right our relationship was from the very beginning. Back then, there was so much hate in the world, not only for who she was, but by extension, our relationship itself.

Virtually no one in my circle of life accepted her, nor the feelings we had for each other. For a straight white male to love and cherish a transgender woman of color was the ultimate insult to what we today call white privilege. In spite of all of that, we celebrated that first anniversary together, without others, in what we described as our normal.

Here it is now, thirteen years later, and quite honestly, although great strides in equality have been made, it is still not enough. Were Annie to still be with me, I am pretty confident we would still be facing the same hatred and disrespect, although it may not be as openly hostile as in that past period.

Marking the annual date of her passing is something I have chosen over the years to do in my own solitary mind space. Until recently, no one has even known where I disappear to on this day. I am just silent and invisible, with no desire to socialize or even engage in idle conversation with anyone. For most of these years, depending upon the weather, I will just find some solitary place out in nature and recall all of the happier times we enjoyed together.

But, this year will be different for me. My friend “A” not only knows the story, but she has read this entire blog as far as I can tell. In a shocking turn of events, recently, she asked me if I wanted to spend a good part of this day with her. She had concerns over me spending the day alone. My first thought was to immediately decline her invitation, but within minutes I texted her back to accept.

How could I not accept such an offer of kindness and personal generosity for the first time in all of these years, from someone who I trust implicitly, and has shown me nothing but empathy and caring?

I cannot wait for the date to arrive and we get together. I just hope that I am not in my usual morose anniversary mood, and spoil the great gift she is offering to me. Normally, I put on a happy face that hides my feelings, but with her, I cannot do that. When I smile in her presence, it is because my smile reveals that I am indeed happy to be with her, no matter what she may have in mind as a surprise for this day.

I am pretty confident that this will be the best anniversary of all of those marking this date, for with this simple invitation, she has turned the tide from sorrow into something more…