Entry #88: Hotels

Annie and I always chose particular types of hotels. In the beginning, we would stay at major hotel chains, due to the ease of finding nice clean rooms in well kept properties.

But one night that all changed.We coordinated a last minute trip to one of our favorite cities and there was some sort of convention in town, meaning most of the major hotel chains were booked up.

I searched around and found an interesting looking boutique hotel, booked it and looked forward to seeing it. We were both pleased when we arrived and checked in. All the amenities we required were there and the staff was much more friendly than at the major hotels. The room was decorated fine and the whole vibe was welcoming.

The biggest surprise was the over sized bath tub in the bathroom. Annie and I had not known each other that long and there were still things for us to explore together. That night I suggested we take a bath together since the tub was large enough for us both to fit. Annie was less than thrilled over the idea. Even though we had enjoyed each other intimately so many times, this seemed a bridge to far for her. It took a lot of convincing on my part before she relented.

Once we got into the tub, it took a while for me to get her to relax and enjoy it. She told me that no one had ever seen her naked in a bath and no one had ever wanted to bathe her or show her love for her body. She cried that first time. She was so deprived of love and physical contact that she did not know how to react or respond.

That might have been one of the longest baths ever.. We decided right then, that as long as we could find boutique hotels that fit within our expense guidelines, and if they all had rooms with large bath tubs, those were the hotels we would use.

And we did. The many hours spent together in a bathtub full of hot water, me showing her how much I loved not only her, but her body were some of the finest hours of our relationship.

I never took a bath before that first time and I have never taken one since she passed. Those experiences are gone forever from my reality, but never from my memories.

Entry 87: Progress

Progress can be fleeting, and in my case it can be elusive to the point of total frustration.

You see…two days ago marked the 16th anniversary of my losing Annie. I put off writing about this date, in order to see what my feelings may be, and if they have changed over the intervening years. For the most part, nothing has changed.

One thing that I have managed to overcome is my extreme anger over what happened. Reality has shown me that my anger served no purpose and it was only a partner to my grief. While my anger has been tempered, my grief continues to be with me every day. I just don’t see a way forward from it.

My mind sees Annie wherever I go. Whatever I may be doing, something is bound to pop up or appear before me to trigger my memories of her. What I wouldn’t give to hear her voice, look into her eyes and feel her laying next to me. Were there a deal with the devil to get her back, I would take it, without question.

The pandemic managed to bring me closer to her than all of the previous years. As I isolated from crowds, friends and experiences, my thoughts of Annie are what kept me afloat. And, now that the pandemic is waning, what do I have left?

I am practically a recluse, as I continue to avoid people. Truth is, most people have nothing to say that interests me anymore. This country has less importance to me than ever now that the crazies and haters wield so much influence. If I thought it wasn’t safe for Annie to be here 16 years ago, it is even worse today.

I have met a several people that I enjoy spending a few hours at a time with here and there, and a few of them have also been transgender. I will see them occasionally, but make no effort for anything other than friendship. Leaving my memories of Annie behind to make room for someone new is inconceivable to me. At my age, starting over is not an option, at least in my mind. All I ever wanted was to grow old together with Annie, but here I am, just old and without her. Another reality is no one wants an old guy. Well, maybe to meet for coffee or drinks or maybe something else, if I am paying.

So while my anger after 16 years has finally passed, my grief continues unabated. I guess some people would call that progress.

Entry 85: Life goes on

Recently, a friend wrote the following…

“So, let me get this straight:

I am not safe as a woman, because a man could kill me for nothing more than saying I am not interested?

I am not safe as a black person because the cops could kill me for nothing more than driving while black?

And, I am not safe as a queer person, because a bigot could kill me for nothing more than existing?

Yeah…why ever would I hate living in the U.S.?

It is clearly great here..”

S.S.

I was shocked when I read this, as no one I know personally, has ever verbalized their feelings quite like this, and it brought back so many memories.

This country was founded on racism and bigotry, and it exists today throughout this country. The founding fathers, as it were, came to this land to escape religious and political persecution, and they founded a country based on exactly those values that they wished to escape from. The difference, is that they used those same values against everyone who was not white and christian like themselves. White men committed genocide against the first nation people who lived on this land for centuries. They enslaved black people whom they stole from homelands far away, and the laws these white people wrote treated people of color as property and not human beings. Blacks, asians, latins, anyone who was not white, or shared any religion that was other than christian was and still is discriminated against every day in this country.

Growing up in a major city, I was blissfully unaware of discrimination in my early youth. You see, I am considered an “other”. There were places I could not go, places I could not live. I knew these things, and yet was too young to question them. I am not a person of color in that designation, but my religion is enough to bring scrutiny upon myself.

When I met Annie, all that changed. If you’ve read any of my journal you would know why. You see, Annie lived in the perfect storm. She was Asian, not white, not christian, and she was transgender female, all designations christians hate the most. Then add in the fact that I am Jewish and there you have it.

The year we spent together was full of joy and fear. Everything we shared was based upon these two emotions. The joy of our mutual love was impossible to kill and yet every day, every place we went in this country, the fear of bigotry and discrimination was always so close to the surface, and we were always on guard as to who was around us and where we went.

We came so close to leaving this country. So close, we could taste the freedom from bigotry, discrimination and the ability to live our lives without fear. If Annie had not passed away, we would have lived our lives together in a safer country.

So, here we all are now in 2022. The racism, bigotry and discrimination from white christians still exists, and they make no effort to hide it. They are proud of who they are and make sure that everyone who is an “other” knows it and knows their place.

Personally, I think I am now too old to start over in a new country, and even after fifteen long and painful years, I grieve for Annie every day. I also had hopes that this country could change its racist ways, but that hope is fading fast.

I was so shocked when I read that quote from my friend, but I suppose I should not have been. I wish I had some comforting words to share with her, but I do not. She spoke the truth that white christians will never understand.

Entry #83: 82

82 is the number of entries I have made to this journal prior to this one. I never anticipated that this endeavor would have gone on for this long. Despite all of the things I have written to this point, I feel that there is so much more I care to write about. If only I could motivate myself to reveal more of my memories without falling back into the darkness that inevitably results, It is hard to believe that after all of these years, my grief continues to be worn on the surface of my being. It is inescapable.

If you have not read all of the entries, and are in any way confused over my incessant babbling on, then I would suggest you go back and start at the very beginning with entry number one and as you move forward, a more complete picture of who Annie was and how our lives intersected will emerge.

When I think back to the loss of Annie, that single event shattered my life forever. I left my career, eventually restricted my travel to places other than those we shared together, and when faced with the fact that I continue to age, and decided to no longer work for the benefit of companies, I now spend my time dabbling in anything that cannot be said to be a serious endeavor.

It is said somewhere, that people look at the world with a glass half full or half empty perspective, and that choice determines your level of happiness. Well…I have a glass. My glass has both. One half is half full and I use that to relive and hold dear all of the memories and joy I can bring forth about the times Annie and I had together. The other half is full of the darkness and bitterness of loss without closure. Trying to find a balance between half full and half empty is no small feat, and I fail more times than not in trying to keep myself afloat.

So, this is entry number 83.

My glass tells me there is more to come.

Entry #75: Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone! 2022 will be a much better year in my opinion. I received validation recently concerning my feelings and grief and while I chose not to take advantage of a major recommendation, I am hopeful for the year.

After 13 years and nine months, I finally succumbed to meeting with a therapist. There was good and bad as a takeaway.

The good was validation for me that in losing my friendship with “A”, it reflected a lack of context to some of my comments. Did I mean what I said to be offensive? No. Did she try and further the conversation in asking for an explanation? No. However, I can now see how she might have taken something I wrote and saw it in a different light than what was meant. For that I am sorry, as in my usual way, when I feel judged, I simply cut things off and disappear. I could have and should have made the effort to resolve the misinterpretation of my message. The takeaway is that I learned something from this and will not make that particular mistake again. I wish we could reconnect, but I doubt she is interested, and the result is my loss of a friendship.

Now for the bad.

Dealing with my grief and depression over the 13 years and nine months (but who is counting?) has been an epic struggle. The therapist had some constructive exercises I could go through when I feel particularly anxiety burdened, but her main recommendation is a no-go for me.

She wanted to prescribe some meds that would smooth out the edges and provide some relief. As the daily process of being medicated evolve, I would feel less and less anxiety and my thoughts of Annie would become less prominent in my mindfulness. When I asked her if I would still remember everything from the past and be able to recall anything I wanted from our relationship, she said that over time those memories and feeling will wane and a more stable mental process will remain.

Nope! Not going to happen! I will never knowingly do anything to eliminate my memories and recollection of every moment Annie and I had together. Never!. Without her in my thoughts, life has no meaning for me.

So, I will take what I can from her remarks and skip the drugs. It was a worthwhile exercise, and the good parts I will take along the road of life with me.

There are 69 days left before I celebrate Annie’s passing for the 14th time. This year I have no one to spend that day with, but that is ok.

I am hopeful that I can find another friend to write with and have conversations with. It will be difficult, but I will give it the old college try.

So…here is to a new year. I will work hard to write more often and be more creative. The dark spaces are still my refuge, but I think I am in a better place to deal with it all, while embracing the darkness that gives me so much happiness. No drugs required.

Entry #67: Death and Dying

I have been thinking on this quite a bit lately.

While none of us are immortal and we all will face death at some point, I have to wonder what my thought process will be when my time arrives.

It is not just about me however. The reason this comes up at all to me, is because my thoughts always, and I do mean always, turn to Annie.

I did everything I could to protect her from the haters and from harm during our time together. Yet, my mind cannot accept that I could do nothing to save her from the inevitable.

I was not there for her at that moment, and I will never be able to forgive myself for that. I wake in the middle of the night quite often with tears in my eyes, wondering what she felt as she faced that moment. Was she aware of what was happening to her as her body failed her? Did she know that I was not there beside her? If she did know, would she ever forgive me for not being with her in that moment? Was she able to carry my love for her with her?

I feel a certain terror and anxiety over this constantly, and there is no resolution for me, because no matter how much I might cry out to her, she cannot answer.

My time will come.

I have not yet boarded the last train to clarksville just yet, but I am on the off ramp to that one way track. And…the thought of facing my own demise without knowing what she felt haunts me.

That is where my mind goes and I have not been able to find a way to stop it.

Entry #66: Losing My Mind

It has been thirteen years, three months and eight days since Annie passed from this world. She has been with me in spirit every day, and my love for her has never waned. Often, I think of the day when I will join her wherever she is.

Mindful of how others might perceive my grief, I have managed to prevent those thoughts and feelings from seeing the light of day when others could also see them. I have become an expert at hiding myself.

Yet, my mind has managed to turn on me. While I know in my heart, I will never give up on the memory of Annie, I seem to have another woman break into my thoughts more frequently than I could have predicted. My friend I have written about a few times has become an important part of my life and thoughts, even though we do not see each other as often as we have in the past.

It is a platonic friendship, at least at this point. We have never shared a romantic embrace, kiss or anything like that. And though these things have never happened in real life, they occur more frequently to me in my dreams.

For the last two days, I have been bedridden with illness and there is where my mind decided to attack me. I may have been delusional in my illness, but I prefer to think of it as a harbinger of possibilities, even though the universe will not give that to me.

You see, she appeared to me at my bedside yesterday. I felt something take hold of my foot and when I turned, there she was. I watched as she shed her clothing and stood before me as she pulled back the blanket and joined me in bed. The visual of her beautiful, nude, melanin body against me with her braids covering our heads like a curtain, was such a rush that I had a difficult time breathing. She has shared quite a bit of her damaged journey in growing up, and I knew in that instance, I finally had the opportunity to show her how a man could not abuse her, but treat her with physical love.

And then a neighborhood dog barked, my eyes flew open, only to find the bed empty next to me. It was all a dream.

So close. So close to showing her a loving experience.

I must be losing my mind when my dreams are more real than the reality of my life.

Entry #63: Dreams

Dreams come in many types and sizes. There are night dreams, day dreams, happy dreams, sad dreams, and of course there are nightmares, which are a specific type of dream. Most of us experience different types of dreams at various times in our lives. Dreams can be recalled and have an effect on our daily lives or in the case of many people, dreams are not remembered at all.

For most of my life, I fell into the category of people who do not recall their sleeping dreams. However, having said that, I certainly remember when I did begin to recall my dreams.

It all began the night I met Annie. Once I met her, not a day went by that I did not have day dreams about her; about when I would see her again, what we would do when next we were together, how I relived every moment of the time I spent with her. The night dreams were the most intense. The intimacy we shared was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I do not know how I got any sleep during the year I knew her. She took up all my mental bandwidth whether it was day or night.

She passed away thirteen years ago, and my dreams of her have never stopped. I can remember every moment we spent together it seems, and am obsessed to this day, over how our lives have been cheated of the future we had planned for ourselves.

My dreams of Annie are with me every day. But…someone else has also made an appearance in my dreams, and the frequency of her in my dreams grows as the time progresses. I think of her often when I frequent places during the day that I know Annie enjoyed or might enjoy with me. I think…she would enjoy seeing this or that or experience something that I could share with her. While most of those times it is day dreams where she appears, I also dream about her at night. Not so much as I fall asleep, but most often, as I awake in the mornings, when I see her laying next to me and often wonder what her body feels like and what she looks like when she is sleeping. Will she respond as I explore her? Can I hear her breathing and her heart beating as she sleeps?

Nothing would make me happier than to experience a fraction of the intimacy with her that I enjoyed with Annie. I would love to take long walks with her…holding hands and for no reason, just turning towards each other to enjoy a kiss and an embrace. Showing her how beautiful she is by pleasuring her is an elusive, unattainable wish.

We are friends after all, and somewhere in that, is a line that I fear cannot be crossed, no matter how often I dream it or desire it.

In thirteen years, she is the only friend I have made, in whom I can confide not only my fears, but my experiences with Annie. She is the only person who has managed to draw these things from my broken mind. Were I to act on my desires with her, I risk losing not only that friendship, but the one person who understands the turmoil that lives within me.

It pains me each and every day that passes, that I cannot live out those moments with her that consume me, in both my day and night dreams. The simple fact is…I just do not know how to deal with these wants and desires because dealing with them contains too much of a risk.

So…I do nothing. And I hate myself over and over for being such a coward.

Entry #56: Yin and yang

In ancient philosophy, yin and yang is a concept of dualism, describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnects, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. -Wikipedia.

Light and dark.

It can be argued that everything in life is a struggle between light and dark, and at times, it is not so much of a struggle as it is that of a duality of personalities, that while seeming to be different, may actually be two sides of the same force.

For the year that I had Annie, my life was filled with light. When she passed, the darkness took the place where the light once resided. Annie had her light and dark moments to be sure. We all have them, and yet Annie was a force that could push the dark moments away with her smile. Her skin color against mine, was like an aphrodisiac, and I made the most of every moment possible when I could enjoy that difference.

Once she was gone, there was no longer any light/dark interaction to enjoy. It seemed that everything now resided in the dark side of yin and yang.

For years now, my dreams were dominated by my memories of Annie, but recently, something changed. More and more often, someone else appears in my dreams in the moments before I awake. She has become my muse of sorts, regarding my writing. Our discussions do not seem to have any boundaries, as we ask each other personal questions that we are both willing to answer. Stories we both have kept locked up, now seem to have found a partner in discussion and empathy.

We seem to enjoy some version of yin and yang. Sure, we both have dark stories to tell, and by listening to each other, we can pull light out of those dark stories. The yin and yang, back and forth, have opened my mind to a place of peace that has evaded me for years.

When she is serious and relating her stories, I can observe her strength and when she moves to lighter topics, her smile will light up the room. As I listen and absorb her stories, I marvel at the melanin color of her skin, and wonder what it would look like to see her body against the whiteness of mine. Could the texture, feel as smooth as it looks?

Yin and yang. Light and dark. Melanin and white.

Entry #47: A Scary Mind

Sometimes, my mind goes to places that scare even me. The darkest corners of my mind always give me solace, and a type of peace that most folks would not understand. Hell, many times I don’t understand how the dark places give me what I need.

Normally I do not remember my dreams at night, unless they are about Annie. The one constant for me in the early mornings as I awake is that when my eyes finally pop open, it is with the recollection of an event or time spent with Annie.

So, it was shocking to me the other day that when I awoke, it was from a dream that I was having about my new friend “A”. It was as clear as a cloudless sky and there we were, spooning together in bed. Now to be clear, we haven’t even exchanged a kiss or anything other than hello or goodbye hugs.

And…it wasn’t about having sex or making love or anything like that, because that was not a part of the dream. It was about just having our bodies touching each other, holding each other tight and enjoying the connection of the moment.

Where that dream came from escapes me. One of those dark corners decided to open up and show me something new.

That scared me awake for sure. And…as dreams go, I sure enjoyed that one.

I wonder if it will turn up again one of these days…