Entry #88: Hotels

Annie and I always chose particular types of hotels. In the beginning, we would stay at major hotel chains, due to the ease of finding nice clean rooms in well kept properties.

But one night that all changed.We coordinated a last minute trip to one of our favorite cities and there was some sort of convention in town, meaning most of the major hotel chains were booked up.

I searched around and found an interesting looking boutique hotel, booked it and looked forward to seeing it. We were both pleased when we arrived and checked in. All the amenities we required were there and the staff was much more friendly than at the major hotels. The room was decorated fine and the whole vibe was welcoming.

The biggest surprise was the over sized bath tub in the bathroom. Annie and I had not known each other that long and there were still things for us to explore together. That night I suggested we take a bath together since the tub was large enough for us both to fit. Annie was less than thrilled over the idea. Even though we had enjoyed each other intimately so many times, this seemed a bridge to far for her. It took a lot of convincing on my part before she relented.

Once we got into the tub, it took a while for me to get her to relax and enjoy it. She told me that no one had ever seen her naked in a bath and no one had ever wanted to bathe her or show her love for her body. She cried that first time. She was so deprived of love and physical contact that she did not know how to react or respond.

That might have been one of the longest baths ever.. We decided right then, that as long as we could find boutique hotels that fit within our expense guidelines, and if they all had rooms with large bath tubs, those were the hotels we would use.

And we did. The many hours spent together in a bathtub full of hot water, me showing her how much I loved not only her, but her body were some of the finest hours of our relationship.

I never took a bath before that first time and I have never taken one since she passed. Those experiences are gone forever from my reality, but never from my memories.

Entry #86 Unsure…

The end of another year is upon us, and the 16th anniversary of Annie’s death is only three months away.

I miss her every day, and my grief shows no sign of waning. Many days it is overwhelming and I stumble through the days unfocused and lacking the motivation to go on. No one understands, and even though I sometimes try and confide in another human, I can just tell that they not only don’t get it, they don’t get me at all.

When you fall for someone like I fell for Annie, there is no recovery once that is lost. Losing that loving person, whose touch was electrifying, and the bond we shared, that cannot be recreated with another is soul crushing. Not that I haven’t tried to meet someone who might share some of the same experiences or feelings. It has been to no avail.

The more I try and ascertain what has happened over the intervening years, the more I have come to the realization that I am drawn to a specific type of person. When I meet someone new, I tread very softly and refuse to reveal much about myself until I can feel some level of comfort with that person. Does their life experience in any way relate to my time with Annie? Could they ever understand where I am coming from? Would they even care?

The majority of people I meet disappoint on so many levels. Why are so many people consumed with material things, and not trying to establish a dialogue or friendship with someone who can be empathetic and open to life experiences that may be different from those of the past?

In the end, the few people I have met that have made an emotional and mental connection with me have turned out to be just like Annie. Those few individuals have been both transgender and persons of color. I cannot explain why. I can only recognize the connection and comfort I feel in their presence, often because they are willing to share their experiences with me as I share mine.

The problem is, that for me, it is too late to meet someone new and forge one of those amazing relationships. I am just too old, and those few people I have met and connected with are far younger than I.

So as yet another year draws to a close, I live with my memories of Annie. Meeting another person like Annie, and being able to forge another friendship, and even a possible relationship remains just wishful thinking. These are lost years with more lost years to come. If I was a younger guy, there might be some hope, but alas, I am not. I am hopeful, and yet realistic in the fact that it won’t happen. I will never feel the love and touch of another person like Annie. I might yet be proven wrong, but hold no expectations. I believe I am destined to walk alone with my memories of Annie, a transgender woman of color who changed my life forever.

I believe I have finally reached the point of giving up…

Entry #79: Valentine’s Day

There was a time in my past that I enjoyed this day. More than I could ever describe.

I spent two of them with Annie and those two celebrations were my ultimate joy. We spent those days eating home cooked sensual creations, and when not eating, we spent the day and evening in bed together.

There was nothing we enjoyed more than enjoying sensual massages with each other. I did my research in order to study the most erotic and pleasure producing techniques I could find. I know for sure that my research was successful, as I could not peel Annie away from me once we began.

Looking back, these sort of days were her absolute favorites. She was safe with me, nothing in daily life to distract her or make her fearful. Being transgender, her days were filled with fear and apprehension whenever she was out in public. But those days, as she stared at me lovingly while enjoying the fruits of my labor, the peace I felt was never the same anywhere else without her.

When I was with her like this, my demons were banished and my anxiety over her safety never surfaced. But now it is different.

Valentine’s Day is an empty shell for me. There is no pleasure here. My demons are stronger than ever, and I live with an anxiety that I cannot shed.

The anxiety is the worst part. I would love to find someone to enjoy these sensual massages together, No strings, no relationship required. Just someone who enjoys the acts of intimacy without the commitment and baggage.

Yet, I won’t seek that person out. My anxiety is too strong, and since it has been so many years since enjoying those moments, my anxiety now encompasses the fear of lack of performance. What if things don’t work like they used to?

A lack of performance ability would be devastating, not to mention impossible to face.

So, I will spend the day thinking of Annie and remembering all of those joyful moments we spent together.

I think in the end, it is better this way.

Entry #66: Losing My Mind

It has been thirteen years, three months and eight days since Annie passed from this world. She has been with me in spirit every day, and my love for her has never waned. Often, I think of the day when I will join her wherever she is.

Mindful of how others might perceive my grief, I have managed to prevent those thoughts and feelings from seeing the light of day when others could also see them. I have become an expert at hiding myself.

Yet, my mind has managed to turn on me. While I know in my heart, I will never give up on the memory of Annie, I seem to have another woman break into my thoughts more frequently than I could have predicted. My friend I have written about a few times has become an important part of my life and thoughts, even though we do not see each other as often as we have in the past.

It is a platonic friendship, at least at this point. We have never shared a romantic embrace, kiss or anything like that. And though these things have never happened in real life, they occur more frequently to me in my dreams.

For the last two days, I have been bedridden with illness and there is where my mind decided to attack me. I may have been delusional in my illness, but I prefer to think of it as a harbinger of possibilities, even though the universe will not give that to me.

You see, she appeared to me at my bedside yesterday. I felt something take hold of my foot and when I turned, there she was. I watched as she shed her clothing and stood before me as she pulled back the blanket and joined me in bed. The visual of her beautiful, nude, melanin body against me with her braids covering our heads like a curtain, was such a rush that I had a difficult time breathing. She has shared quite a bit of her damaged journey in growing up, and I knew in that instance, I finally had the opportunity to show her how a man could not abuse her, but treat her with physical love.

And then a neighborhood dog barked, my eyes flew open, only to find the bed empty next to me. It was all a dream.

So close. So close to showing her a loving experience.

I must be losing my mind when my dreams are more real than the reality of my life.

Entry #63: Dreams

Dreams come in many types and sizes. There are night dreams, day dreams, happy dreams, sad dreams, and of course there are nightmares, which are a specific type of dream. Most of us experience different types of dreams at various times in our lives. Dreams can be recalled and have an effect on our daily lives or in the case of many people, dreams are not remembered at all.

For most of my life, I fell into the category of people who do not recall their sleeping dreams. However, having said that, I certainly remember when I did begin to recall my dreams.

It all began the night I met Annie. Once I met her, not a day went by that I did not have day dreams about her; about when I would see her again, what we would do when next we were together, how I relived every moment of the time I spent with her. The night dreams were the most intense. The intimacy we shared was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I do not know how I got any sleep during the year I knew her. She took up all my mental bandwidth whether it was day or night.

She passed away thirteen years ago, and my dreams of her have never stopped. I can remember every moment we spent together it seems, and am obsessed to this day, over how our lives have been cheated of the future we had planned for ourselves.

My dreams of Annie are with me every day. But…someone else has also made an appearance in my dreams, and the frequency of her in my dreams grows as the time progresses. I think of her often when I frequent places during the day that I know Annie enjoyed or might enjoy with me. I think…she would enjoy seeing this or that or experience something that I could share with her. While most of those times it is day dreams where she appears, I also dream about her at night. Not so much as I fall asleep, but most often, as I awake in the mornings, when I see her laying next to me and often wonder what her body feels like and what she looks like when she is sleeping. Will she respond as I explore her? Can I hear her breathing and her heart beating as she sleeps?

Nothing would make me happier than to experience a fraction of the intimacy with her that I enjoyed with Annie. I would love to take long walks with her…holding hands and for no reason, just turning towards each other to enjoy a kiss and an embrace. Showing her how beautiful she is by pleasuring her is an elusive, unattainable wish.

We are friends after all, and somewhere in that, is a line that I fear cannot be crossed, no matter how often I dream it or desire it.

In thirteen years, she is the only friend I have made, in whom I can confide not only my fears, but my experiences with Annie. She is the only person who has managed to draw these things from my broken mind. Were I to act on my desires with her, I risk losing not only that friendship, but the one person who understands the turmoil that lives within me.

It pains me each and every day that passes, that I cannot live out those moments with her that consume me, in both my day and night dreams. The simple fact is…I just do not know how to deal with these wants and desires because dealing with them contains too much of a risk.

So…I do nothing. And I hate myself over and over for being such a coward.