Entry #49: Nature

Annie wasn’t a huge fan of nature. It took quite a few trips into the forest or on various hikes, before she was able to enjoy the beauty I so desperately wanted to share with her.

One time I specifically wanted to take her to one of my favorite places, so we grabbed a spare blanket and pillows from the hotel and off we went to explore. Once we arrived, we set up next to a small stream so we could enjoy the sounds of the water and the birds in the neighboring trees.

After a while, Annie lay down with her head in my lap and totally fell asleep while I stroked her hair. I was so surprised that she was so comfortable that I began to think of all the issues she had. Annie had a lot of issues, most of them surrounding her fear of not being accepted and all the roadblocks thrown in her path due to being transgender.

The longer I sat with her the more issues I could list, and I quickly realized how unequipped I was to be able to help her through all of them. I didn’t even know what I didn’t know, and felt like I was failing her each time one of her issues came to fore.

This was one of the hardest moments to come to grips with. I knew most of her issues by this time, and yet I had no idea how to help her other than to continue to show her how much I loved her.

In a few short months after this day, she passed, and my feelings of having failed her overcame everything I tried to do. How could I have allowed this to happen to her? I had no answers then, and in the aftermath and through the advancement of technology over the years, I was now able to research quite a bit regarding her situation, yet it gives me no solace to know now what I did not know then.

And yet, despite all this time that has passed, I cannot shake the dread in my heart that I failed her when she needed me the most. I am an old guy now, having lived the last 12 plus years without her. I am not sure how many years I have left myself, but what I do know is that the hole in my heart is not fixable. Going through the motions most days, her spirit is with me in everything I do. My friends constantly ask me what is on my mind and why I have become somewhat of a recluse. There are no words I can share, as Annie’s passing has brought such overwhelming sorrow to my life that I cannot bring myself to trust anyone with my feelings.

Entry #48: Hot Dogs

Annie always had the ability to surprise me when I least expected it.

One of the things that we enjoyed doing together was going out to dance clubs in certain cities where she thought she was comfortable and not threatened. One of those cities is San Francisco.

So it was one night, that we went out a little later than we normally would to a club where we had not been before. A great time was had, especially doing a lot of people watching. People were definitely dressed for a good time And it was fairly crowded.

By the time we decided to leave, we were pretty hungry, and it was into the early hours. I doubted we would be able to find an open restaurant, but to my surprise, there was a Mexican hot dog cart outside of the club.

Now, we all have preconceived ideas about different things. Annie wanted to get a hot dog. I was shocked! Not only had she never said she liked hot dogs, but the idea of watching her eat a hot dog made me laugh. It just seemed to be so incongruous to watch her eat a hot dog while standing in the street with mustard seeping out of the bun and onto her lips. I wish I had a picture of that moment.

Even a hot dog can surprise you at some point..

Entry #47: A Scary Mind

Sometimes, my mind goes to places that scare even me. The darkest corners of my mind always give me solace, and a type of peace that most folks would not understand. Hell, many times I don’t understand how the dark places give me what I need.

Normally I do not remember my dreams at night, unless they are about Annie. The one constant for me in the early mornings as I awake is that when my eyes finally pop open, it is with the recollection of an event or time spent with Annie.

So, it was shocking to me the other day that when I awoke, it was from a dream that I was having about my new friend “A”. It was as clear as a cloudless sky and there we were, spooning together in bed. Now to be clear, we haven’t even exchanged a kiss or anything other than hello or goodbye hugs.

And…it wasn’t about having sex or making love or anything like that, because that was not a part of the dream. It was about just having our bodies touching each other, holding each other tight and enjoying the connection of the moment.

Where that dream came from escapes me. One of those dark corners decided to open up and show me something new.

That scared me awake for sure. And…as dreams go, I sure enjoyed that one.

I wonder if it will turn up again one of these days…

Entry #46: Trust and intimate moments

So it was that I met with my new friend “A” who I have written about previously to collaborate on a project.

She wasn’t quite ready and her hair was up in little knots which had to be undone in order to let her braids hang down. She wears her african american hair in goddess braids normally.

So, as she began the process of releasing her braids, I asked without any expectation of approval, if she would like some assistance with the braids. She said yes.

As I stood right in front of her while she sat and we both worked at releasing the braids, I was struck with the fact that this in fact was a special moment for me.

You see…for a caucasian person, let alone a man, to touch and handle those goddess braids without permission is an ultimate act of cultural disrespect and rudeness.

For her to grant me that permission, just filled me with gratitude that she is so comfortable in my presence that she can trust me with something that is such an intimate moment.

Trust and intimacy can come in many forms and it does not have to be centered around sex or love making. This is one of those forms, and I am so very happy to have had those special five minutes or so with her before we got down to the work at hand.

Entry #45: Walking

Annie and I walked the cities we visited as much as we could. There is nothing quite like walking various neighborhoods and observing the daily life that ebbs and flows. You can’t get that when in a car or a bus.

However, walking in nature is quite different. When I proposed to Annie that we take a walk into the forest for the first time, she was completely unprepared. She readied herself with a casual dress and some flip flops (and I hate flip flops). I convinced her to change into tights and since she had no hiking shoes, we had to go shopping.

Upon arrival at the trail head, she claimed to be ready, yet I could sense her reluctance to begin. I had no idea until that moment that she had never been on a trail or explored nature in any serious way.

We started out, and the quiet, save for the sound of the wind in the trees just overcame her. We walked for a long time, holding hands and just watching and listening in our own silence. As we progressed, her grip on my hand tightened more and more and I was pretty sure she was having a problem being somewhere where she had little control and where she depended on me to explore and find our way back.

Finding a nice log that was free of insects, we sat in the silence, and tried to absorb the energy of both the forest, as well as our comfort and connection with each other. I knew she was not able to completely relax when I noticed she was shaking and seemed to be trying to say something but was having an issue.

I said we can leave if this makes you uncomfortable, and she just turned to me with tears in her eyes and said she never thought she would ever meet a man who got her. When I asked what she meant, she said that all her life she refused to engage with men as she had been bullied constantly when growing up because of who she was.

That caught me off guard as she had never revealed that before. Annie had never opened that door until we met. This revelation was just another in a long line of reveals from her that proved to me that we had something special that neither of us anticipated.

After getting up off the log, we walked for the better part of the morning, just holding hands and feeling the electricity flowing between us. This happened to be the first of many, many walks we took in nature over the next year.

I miss her every day, especially when I think of walking out and about in nature holding her hand and having that living connection to someone I get.

Now, I am too old to find another like her, but it sure would be nice to have someone to hold hands with and walk through the forest, listening to the wind…

Entry #44: Sometimes

Sometimes it is the smallest of observations that allow me to enjoy the moment.

Not very long ago, I met someone over a creative project. We had a good time, and it worked out well, and we found out that we were both writers.

In exploring our writing, we found ourselves meeting weekly to discuss writing ideas and bounce them off each other. Surprisingly, these meetings never did cover the writings, but allowed us to get to know each other better through the telling of our life stories and experiences.

And that is the part of this post that brings all of these thoughts to digital paper, so to speak.

It is the small observations that these meetings give me…

It is not the words so much as the spaces between them that have impact. When she pauses in her description of something to gather the next thought, it allows me to just watch as she pulls that all together.

While watching I observe how perfect her hands are formed, with unpainted, yet perfectly shaped nails and fingers.

She makes mexican coffee for us and I enjoy watching her as the process unfolds.

She probably doesn’t know this, but her eyes change in darkness or lightness depending on the story she is relating. And often, I totally lose the thread of the conversation, because I am so engaged in watching her. Watching for those little things that only sometimes reveal themselves.

I think we have embarked on a good friendship, and that causes me to think of her quite often between these visits. I will see some small happening and later wonder what she might think of that had she seen it.

Sometimes…a friendship can be just that. Enjoying the small observations and just being in the present with another person who you enjoy spending time with. No pressures, no preconceived ideas. Just being in the moment.

Waiting…for the next surprise that comes in the spaces between the words.

Entry #43: Safety

It did not take long after Annie and I met before I learned of her fear for her own safety.

The stories that she shared about Ellen and her growing up and facing the world, forced me to take notice of the world around me in ways that I never anticipated.

I made sure that whenever we were out together, I would always be sure to scan the faces of those around us, and ensure that no one ever got too close as to make her uncomfortable.

But, it was the time alone with her while she was sleeping, which I found to cause me to worry more than I could explain. I loved to lay and watch her sleeping, lay my head down on her chest so I could listen to her heart. However, inevitably my thoughts would focus in on what else could I do to ensure her safety. I knew that there was a lot of discrimination in this country, but I had never had to deal with it on a personal level before. Hours would go by some nights while I wrestled with the fact that her fears had now become mine.

Short of leaving the country to make a life together in a safer place, there did not seem to be any other viable solutions. Over time, we discussed this and made our plans. Plans that we were never able to complete.

So, here I am, 12 years and seven months later. Over the years since her passing, I haven’t given a lot of thought about the state of the country. And yet, while there has been much progress regarding equality and the struggle for many groups to find a voice and be heard, it seems like every week I hear of more murders committed against people of color for no other reason than hate.

To be sure, Annie was part of that group. Although the terminology has changed over the years, make no mistake that the hate and discrimination that might have been more subtle back in those days, is still with us and the current regime in this country now advocates outright violence for their extremist followers.

The regular murders of transgender women of color in this country is sickening and heartbreaking. I don’t have a magic wand to come up with a solution. All I have is my memories of Annie and yes, Ellen, and wonder what their lives could have become were they still here.

From where I sit, if something major does not change after this election, then I honestly have to wonder if this country can survive to ensure true equality. More and more, I come to the conclusion that his country no longer holds value to me if there is no equality. Canada is calling, once the borders are open again. Leave or stay. Whichever I decide, my memories of Annie will always be with me.

Just a thought…

Entry #42: Fear

Recently, a reader asked me what my motivation is to write this blog. I can sum it up in one word.

Fear.

As we all get older, many people encounter cognitive and mental acuity issues, dementia and more. So, being in control of my mental faculties, at least for the moment, this blog addresses my fears of losing that control at some point. You see…I remember absolutely everything about Annie, so I put these memories down in writing, just in case the day comes when I cannot remember.

I remember everything…

Her laugh

Her beauty

Her fashion

Her strengths

Her weaknesses and vulnerabilities

Her desire to be accepted and loved and her fear of not being accepted and loved

Her smell

Her taste

Every single inch of her body

How she looks when she is sleeping

Her ability to communicate with me through simple glances

The list is endless right now and my fear is that the memory list may get shorter as I get older.

So…I write…

Entry #41: Someone New

Recently I met someone new.

She is a beautiful woman, smart, creative and with a smile that can light up a room. We have talked about quite a few different subjects and I find myself so comfortable in our conversations that I actually shared this blog with her.

What I did not expect, was for her to actually begin reading it in front of me. I could not decide if I should walk away and give her some space, or just sit while she read. I decided to sit and as I watched her facial expressions change while she read, I could tell she went back and read a few things more than once.

My anxiety went through the roof, because I had no idea how she would take the writing, nor if she would judge me once she got the whole picture. Yet, I could not pull myself away. It was so fascinating to watch her read and respond to the actual words. The first person that I actually knew that not only would read all of this, but do it right in front of me. My fears went unfounded as she accepted all that I have written in a few posts and my hope is that she will read the rest.

While both of our circumstances have issues, I think of her a lot. I love her intellect, her eyes, her amazing smile, her caramel skin and her natural hair. There is an obvious age difference, yet I wonder what her kisses would taste like, to have her in my arms for something other than a goodbye hug.

I could never tell her these things of course and I hope she has finished reading the rest of the blog before I post this so she may not even see it. I think we have started a friendship and I certainly hope that we can go on to become good friends. I don’t think it is possible to hope for more.

Once you reach a certain age, friendships are all you can work towards.