Author: whenmythoughtscollide

Just a regular guy who loved the most amazing woman, who just happened to be transgender.

Entry #79: Valentine’s Day

There was a time in my past that I enjoyed this day. More than I could ever describe.

I spent two of them with Annie and those two celebrations were my ultimate joy. We spent those days eating home cooked sensual creations, and when not eating, we spent the day and evening in bed together.

There was nothing we enjoyed more than enjoying sensual massages with each other. I did my research in order to study the most erotic and pleasure producing techniques I could find. I know for sure that my research was successful, as I could not peel Annie away from me once we began.

Looking back, these sort of days were her absolute favorites. She was safe with me, nothing in daily life to distract her or make her fearful. Being transgender, her days were filled with fear and apprehension whenever she was out in public. But those days, as she stared at me lovingly while enjoying the fruits of my labor, the peace I felt was never the same anywhere else without her.

When I was with her like this, my demons were banished and my anxiety over her safety never surfaced. But now it is different.

Valentine’s Day is an empty shell for me. There is no pleasure here. My demons are stronger than ever, and I live with an anxiety that I cannot shed.

The anxiety is the worst part. I would love to find someone to enjoy these sensual massages together, No strings, no relationship required. Just someone who enjoys the acts of intimacy without the commitment and baggage.

Yet, I won’t seek that person out. My anxiety is too strong, and since it has been so many years since enjoying those moments, my anxiety now encompasses the fear of lack of performance. What if things don’t work like they used to?

A lack of performance ability would be devastating, not to mention impossible to face.

So, I will spend the day thinking of Annie and remembering all of those joyful moments we spent together.

I think in the end, it is better this way.

Entry #78: Loving an “Other”

This country I live in was founded on racism, and although over 200 year have passed, the fear and hatred of “others” continues. I do not have a solution and little hope that this will change.

All I have to offer are my own experiences.

Annie was a love that I never searched for. Until she stormed into my life, I was blissfully unaware of the daily discrimination taking place in this country. I was too busy carrying on with my own life.

You see…Annie was an “other”. A Person of Color. Asian. Transgender. A perfect trifecta for the hate that lives in this country. Hate that is fueled by religion and white privilege.

Our love for each other burned white hot. I cannot even begin to express how many hours, days, months, I spent doing my best to ensure that whenever Annie was with me, she would be safe from the hate and violence daily inflicted upon POC.

The stories she would tell me of discrimination and violence endured in her community were devastating to hear. While I had no first hand experience in my growing up, I sure got a face full of hate once we were together in public. I was not prepared with experiences to fall back on. This was all new to me and it was the scariest part of my life. Scary, because no matter what I did, or how I acted, I was powerless to protect her 24 hours a day.

Our year together was the most glorious time of my life. Annie was a life force unto herself and every day that passes, I thank the universe for bringing her into my life. Her life was cut short by the simple fact that her body failed the day she achieved her greatest victory over her dysphoria. If that isn’t the most cruel twist of fate, I don’t know what would be.

It is now fourteen years since Annie passed on. The hate of “others” continues to grow in this country, fueled by religious fanatics and just plain ignorant people. 

I cannot envision ever meeting someone like Annie again. I think you only get one chance at that. I am so fortunate to have had her love for the year we had together. I will cherish all of those memories for whatever time I have left.

Entry #77: Fraud

I am such a fraud.

Recently, I had the opportunity to go out for a drink with a female friend. She and her husband are pretty good friends to me.

She went on and on about what a chill and down to earth guy I am, and that they both appreciate my friendship.

Little does she know that I die inside a little more every time I hear something like that. They have no idea who I am…none. And…I cannot or will not tell them.

Another anniversary of Annie’s death is fast approaching and if have to be honest about it, I don’t know how much longer I can bear it.

They never knew about Annie. Almost no one in my life has that knowledge, and holding that knowledge deep inside is going to be the end of me. I wish I had the opportunity to tell her story somewhere other than in these pages, but I trust no one to be able to understand.

You see…whenever any of my feelings for Annie came out in the open, she and I were met by absolute hatred for who she was and by extension myself for loving her. Maybe it was just the times we lived in back then and maybe things are better today, yet I refuse to take another chance that the relationship we had can be met with understanding and acceptance.

No one in the outside world who knew Annie’s story accepted her. I was the only one. I will never understand the cruelty and hatred that humans have for one another, and I have given up trying to make any sense of it all.

Forty two more days till I relive her death yet again.

No one knows, no one cares, no one can see me as the fraud that is right in front of them. I am not the person I present to you. You cannot see into my heart and the darkness that enslaves me.

Entry #76: Sleepless

This is why I don’t sleep at night…

I cannot turn off my mind.

I failed Annie. I tried with all my might to keep her safe and protected, and in the end I could not save her. The biggest failure of my life.

I have accomplished nothing in my life. I have not made the world a better place.

When I leave this rock, no one will remember me 10 minutes later.

Existing in the prison of my mind.

Entry #75: Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone! 2022 will be a much better year in my opinion. I received validation recently concerning my feelings and grief and while I chose not to take advantage of a major recommendation, I am hopeful for the year.

After 13 years and nine months, I finally succumbed to meeting with a therapist. There was good and bad as a takeaway.

The good was validation for me that in losing my friendship with “A”, it reflected a lack of context to some of my comments. Did I mean what I said to be offensive? No. Did she try and further the conversation in asking for an explanation? No. However, I can now see how she might have taken something I wrote and saw it in a different light than what was meant. For that I am sorry, as in my usual way, when I feel judged, I simply cut things off and disappear. I could have and should have made the effort to resolve the misinterpretation of my message. The takeaway is that I learned something from this and will not make that particular mistake again. I wish we could reconnect, but I doubt she is interested, and the result is my loss of a friendship.

Now for the bad.

Dealing with my grief and depression over the 13 years and nine months (but who is counting?) has been an epic struggle. The therapist had some constructive exercises I could go through when I feel particularly anxiety burdened, but her main recommendation is a no-go for me.

She wanted to prescribe some meds that would smooth out the edges and provide some relief. As the daily process of being medicated evolve, I would feel less and less anxiety and my thoughts of Annie would become less prominent in my mindfulness. When I asked her if I would still remember everything from the past and be able to recall anything I wanted from our relationship, she said that over time those memories and feeling will wane and a more stable mental process will remain.

Nope! Not going to happen! I will never knowingly do anything to eliminate my memories and recollection of every moment Annie and I had together. Never!. Without her in my thoughts, life has no meaning for me.

So, I will take what I can from her remarks and skip the drugs. It was a worthwhile exercise, and the good parts I will take along the road of life with me.

There are 69 days left before I celebrate Annie’s passing for the 14th time. This year I have no one to spend that day with, but that is ok.

I am hopeful that I can find another friend to write with and have conversations with. It will be difficult, but I will give it the old college try.

So…here is to a new year. I will work hard to write more often and be more creative. The dark spaces are still my refuge, but I think I am in a better place to deal with it all, while embracing the darkness that gives me so much happiness. No drugs required.

Entry #74: Recluse

Well, here we are two years into the pandemic.

It has been quite a ride, losing the social animal side of life in an effort to remain safe, and covid free, and alive.

More than ever before, I am distrustful of people. In fact, I find the world contains far too many people for my taste.

While there is a certain loneliness in having lost those social connections, I have found that I may be best suited to be…

A recluse.

My safe place, unless someone can convince me otherwise.

Entry #73: Crushed

It has been a while since I last wrote. Truth is…my mind has been going in so many directions, it has been quite hard to even attempt to focus.

When I lost  my connection to a friend recently, a huge hole opened up in my life. I worked hard to be a good friend, empathetic, and a good listener. After the connection was lost, I realized it wasn’t enough. There just wasn’t enough interest for her to want to explore my thoughts. I am a good listener, but sometimes you just wish the other person would want to listen to what you had to say for a change. It hurt a lot to lose that friendship.

Having the benefit of hindsight now, I realize a large part of the equation, is the fact that my baggage will not allow anyone else to get close.

When Annie died, my heart was broken forever, but that was not the worst of it. In the real life that went forward, my soul was crushed. I think I can finally come to grip with what I knew to be true from that very day.

The pain of losing her crushed my soul to the point that there is no longer any room for anyone else. Annie brought me a certain joy that no one else will ever be able to give me. I have spent over thirteen years attempting at various times to find that sort of connection and it has been a fruitless endeavor.

Annie was a once in a lifetime love that cannot be replaced. I never thought about growing old without her and yet, here I am. I tried to join her. Twice actually. On two separate occasions, I purchased one way tickets to Thailand. In each instance, I failed to follow through and cancelled those flights because I am too much of a coward to take my own life. The pain of living without her is a constant in my life and no more than a few hours can ever pass without me thinking of her.

So here I am…just another aging guy who manages to live a life in the darkness of pain and memories of of what I had and what might have been, no matter how bright the sun shines.

I have some friends and acquaintances who I see every once in a while, but they are kept at arms length. No one knows what is in my mind, except you who may read my entries here, and I intend to keep it that way for my own benefit. I live with my heartbreak and crushed soul and while I can designate the place to embrace my darkest thoughts, I cannot allow anyone else to penetrate into my inner sanctum. People are so disappointing, and I do not wish to add any more baggage to what I already deal with every waking moment. I know in my heart I will join Annie one day despite my being a coward. Life is finite and that day will come eventually.

Entry #72: My New Friend

Recently, I had the opportunity to travel from my home and sleep in a strange bed. It was there that I have found a new friend. It was a nice bed…very comfortable and spacious.

Once I got into the bed however, I found a human sized pillow along with a note explaining that this pillow was meant to be hugged when sleeping. Well, of course, I had to try it and it brought back so many memories of Annie.

One of the many things Annie and I loved to do was to just lay in bed, all stretched out hugging each other with nothing between us. It wasn’t just about making love or having sex. It was the comfort we felt with each other in the naked state.

When our schedules were not filled with meetings or clients, we took every opportunity to do this together, even during the day time. Annie would purr and push her body back against me as I hugged and enveloped her. Her actions told me that she felt safe in this bed with me and that in turn made me so happy. The fact that this action provided her with a sense of security was overwhelming in some sense.

Well, Annie isn’t here any longer, and yet, this simple pillow helped me to re live all of these memories of those intimate moments of trust and safety with her.

I don’t seek out another to share these memories or even to make new ones. People are so disappointing to me on so many levels. It has been frustrating to say the least and that is why I choose to not even try any more.

But…I do have a new friend now. I think I will purchase one of these pillows. The feeling of serenity it gives me is indescribable, and I don’t have to worry about being judged by another human who does not even attempt to understand my feelings or thoughts.

Entry #70: Got Me!

From the moment Annie and I met, we both knew that there was something special happening.

Somehow, we both realized that we understood each other in a new and exciting way.

Annie “got me”, and I her.

No one else had ever seen me in the same way that Annie did.

We spent the next glorious year exploring everything about each other. Nothing was out of bounds to investigate and experience together.

When Annie died, my whole world came crashing down and in my heart, I knew there would never be another who could so readily see me for who I really was. I refused to give anyone else the chance to fill that space.

Some time ago, I met someone who triggered that response as soon as I met her. I thought to myself, now here is someone I could trust with my stories and explore my feelings with.

But I was wrong. Like so many who came before her, she showed me that, no…she really didn’t “get me”.

So, now, it is back to the refuge of my darkness and silence. I am exhausted and just too damn tired to make the effort going forward. Why even bother, when it all ends in disappointment?