Entry #77: Fraud

I am such a fraud.

Recently, I had the opportunity to go out for a drink with a female friend. She and her husband are pretty good friends to me.

She went on and on about what a chill and down to earth guy I am, and that they both appreciate my friendship.

Little does she know that I die inside a little more every time I hear something like that. They have no idea who I am…none. And…I cannot or will not tell them.

Another anniversary of Annie’s death is fast approaching and if have to be honest about it, I don’t know how much longer I can bear it.

They never knew about Annie. Almost no one in my life has that knowledge, and holding that knowledge deep inside is going to be the end of me. I wish I had the opportunity to tell her story somewhere other than in these pages, but I trust no one to be able to understand.

You see…whenever any of my feelings for Annie came out in the open, she and I were met by absolute hatred for who she was and by extension myself for loving her. Maybe it was just the times we lived in back then and maybe things are better today, yet I refuse to take another chance that the relationship we had can be met with understanding and acceptance.

No one in the outside world who knew Annie’s story accepted her. I was the only one. I will never understand the cruelty and hatred that humans have for one another, and I have given up trying to make any sense of it all.

Forty two more days till I relive her death yet again.

No one knows, no one cares, no one can see me as the fraud that is right in front of them. I am not the person I present to you. You cannot see into my heart and the darkness that enslaves me.

Entry #76: Sleepless

This is why I don’t sleep at night…

I cannot turn off my mind.

I failed Annie. I tried with all my might to keep her safe and protected, and in the end I could not save her. The biggest failure of my life.

I have accomplished nothing in my life. I have not made the world a better place.

When I leave this rock, no one will remember me 10 minutes later.

Existing in the prison of my mind.

Entry #75: Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone! 2022 will be a much better year in my opinion. I received validation recently concerning my feelings and grief and while I chose not to take advantage of a major recommendation, I am hopeful for the year.

After 13 years and nine months, I finally succumbed to meeting with a therapist. There was good and bad as a takeaway.

The good was validation for me that in losing my friendship with “A”, it reflected a lack of context to some of my comments. Did I mean what I said to be offensive? No. Did she try and further the conversation in asking for an explanation? No. However, I can now see how she might have taken something I wrote and saw it in a different light than what was meant. For that I am sorry, as in my usual way, when I feel judged, I simply cut things off and disappear. I could have and should have made the effort to resolve the misinterpretation of my message. The takeaway is that I learned something from this and will not make that particular mistake again. I wish we could reconnect, but I doubt she is interested, and the result is my loss of a friendship.

Now for the bad.

Dealing with my grief and depression over the 13 years and nine months (but who is counting?) has been an epic struggle. The therapist had some constructive exercises I could go through when I feel particularly anxiety burdened, but her main recommendation is a no-go for me.

She wanted to prescribe some meds that would smooth out the edges and provide some relief. As the daily process of being medicated evolve, I would feel less and less anxiety and my thoughts of Annie would become less prominent in my mindfulness. When I asked her if I would still remember everything from the past and be able to recall anything I wanted from our relationship, she said that over time those memories and feeling will wane and a more stable mental process will remain.

Nope! Not going to happen! I will never knowingly do anything to eliminate my memories and recollection of every moment Annie and I had together. Never!. Without her in my thoughts, life has no meaning for me.

So, I will take what I can from her remarks and skip the drugs. It was a worthwhile exercise, and the good parts I will take along the road of life with me.

There are 69 days left before I celebrate Annie’s passing for the 14th time. This year I have no one to spend that day with, but that is ok.

I am hopeful that I can find another friend to write with and have conversations with. It will be difficult, but I will give it the old college try.

So…here is to a new year. I will work hard to write more often and be more creative. The dark spaces are still my refuge, but I think I am in a better place to deal with it all, while embracing the darkness that gives me so much happiness. No drugs required.