I have been thinking on this quite a bit lately.
While none of us are immortal and we all will face death at some point, I have to wonder what my thought process will be when my time arrives.
It is not just about me however. The reason this comes up at all to me, is because my thoughts always, and I do mean always, turn to Annie.
I did everything I could to protect her from the haters and from harm during our time together. Yet, my mind cannot accept that I could do nothing to save her from the inevitable.
I was not there for her at that moment, and I will never be able to forgive myself for that. I wake in the middle of the night quite often with tears in my eyes, wondering what she felt as she faced that moment. Was she aware of what was happening to her as her body failed her? Did she know that I was not there beside her? If she did know, would she ever forgive me for not being with her in that moment? Was she able to carry my love for her with her?
I feel a certain terror and anxiety over this constantly, and there is no resolution for me, because no matter how much I might cry out to her, she cannot answer.
My time will come.
I have not yet boarded the last train to clarksville just yet, but I am on the off ramp to that one way track. And…the thought of facing my own demise without knowing what she felt haunts me.
That is where my mind goes and I have not been able to find a way to stop it.
Surprises in The Road of Life 