Dreams come in many types and sizes. There are night dreams, day dreams, happy dreams, sad dreams, and of course there are nightmares, which are a specific type of dream. Most of us experience different types of dreams at various times in our lives. Dreams can be recalled and have an effect on our daily lives or in the case of many people, dreams are not remembered at all.

For most of my life, I fell into the category of people who do not recall their sleeping dreams. However, having said that, I certainly remember when I did begin to recall my dreams. 

It all began the night I met Annie. Once I met her, not a day went by that I did not have day dreams about her; about when I would see her again, what we would do when next we were together, how I relived every moment of the time I spent with her. The night dreams were the most intense. The intimacy we shared was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I do not know how I got any sleep during the year I knew her. She took up all my mental bandwidth whether it was day or night.

She passed away thirteen years ago, and my dreams of her have never stopped. I can remember every moment we spent together it seems, and am obsessed to this day, over how our lives have been cheated of the future we had planned for ourselves.

My dreams of Annie are with me every day. But…someone else has also made an appearance in my dreams, and the frequency of her in my dreams grows as the time progresses. I think of her often when I frequent places during the day that I know Annie enjoyed or might enjoy with me. I think…she would enjoy seeing this or that or experience something that I could share with her. While most of those times it is day dreams where she appears, I also dream about her at night. Not so much as I fall asleep, but most often, as I awake in the mornings, when I see her laying next to me and often wonder what her body feels like and what she looks like when she is sleeping. Will she respond as I explore her? Can I hear her breathing and her heart beating as she sleeps?

Nothing would make me happier than to experience a fraction of the intimacy with her that I enjoyed with Annie. I would love to take long walks with her…holding hands and for no reason, just turning towards each other to enjoy a kiss and an embrace. Showing her how beautiful she is by pleasuring her is an elusive, unattainable wish.

We are friends after all, and somewhere in that, is a line that I fear cannot be crossed, no matter how often I dream it or desire it.

In thirteen years, she is the only friend I have made, in whom I can confide not only my fears, but my experiences with Annie. She is the only person who has managed to draw these things from my broken mind. Were I to act on my desires with her, I risk losing not only that friendship, but the one person who understands the turmoil that lives within me.

It pains me each and every day that passes, that I cannot live out those moments with her that consume me, in both my day and night dreams. The simple fact is…I just do not know how to deal with these wants and desires because dealing with them contains too much of a risk.

So…I do nothing. And I hate myself over and over for being such a coward.