Control is the cornerstone of my existence. When Annie passed, I lost all control over my emotions and mental faculties. Over the past twelve plus years, I not only regained control, but managed to use my control to build walls around my emotions and feelings that are so formidable, that no one can see through to me.
My walls have kept everyone out, and kept the safety of my dark places intact. As a result, I share nothing with anyone in regards to my pain, my grief or the daily suffering I feel I need to endure in order to maintain my beautiful memories of Annie. This blog is the only place in the world where I have felt safe relating the bizarre thoughts that are a constant in my mind, wherever I go and in whatever I am doing.
The loss of control over what I think and what I say, is the stuff of nightmares for me. I could not and would not bend those walls in order to allow anyone else to see inside. Over these years, there have been numerous opportunities to make new friends, or deepen the friendships I have, and yet, I managed to control who I would allow to get close enough for a glimpse into what lies beneath the surface, and thereby, controlling the power that is so willing to strike at me at the slightest opportunity should I decide to share anything.
I have been confident in my ability to shut out and shut down any attempt to breach my walls. I have been comfortable in the fact that I maintain complete control over what I present to the world. Perhaps, my confidence was misplaced. With sudden swiftness, my walls were broken when I least expected it, and when I took my eye off the reason for having them at all.
Some months ago, I met someone, and we have become good friends. We do not see each other daily, at best once a week or so depending on our schedules. We sit and talk about many different subjects. I love spending these times with her, learning all about her past and her dreams for her future.
But…she scares me.
She scares me not by asking some of the questions I have forever relegated to the place where the answers cannot be revealed. She scares me, because when she asks, I answer. I never answer anyone, and yet, she has the power to allow me to go to the places I would never go to for anyone else. And that scares me, because it means I have lost the power to hide myself from her through my control mechanisms, and she now has the power to see me.
No one has “seen me” for almost thirteen years, and suddenly I am faced with the fact that I care for someone so much, that I am willing to reveal what is behind those walls. In one respect, she has given me a peace that has eluded me for all of these years.
But, this peace comes with a price. Since she also reveals many things about her life before I met her, I find that I worry about her quite a bit. I worry about the pain she endured growing up, I worry about the obstacles thrown in her path that she has overcome, I worry about the opportunities she is being presented, because I want her to be able to seize them and use them for growth and happiness.
When I think about it, it appears I have given my power over to her. She only has to ask, to get a response. And that…means I have lost control over my power to hide. At least from her.
After all of these years of pain, I can say that I am comfortable in giving her my power. Without the power over my control, perhaps my healing can begin.
Surprises in The Road of Life 