So, it’s been a couple of weeks since those three little words I wrote about, removed the dark cloud that always seems to follow me. At the time, I wondered how long that would last, and apparently I now have my answer.
Not long enough!
Last night, my mind recognized the fact that in 5 short weeks, I will be noting the thirteenth anniversary of Annie having left this world. Thirteen years of grief and guilt for having failed her in the only thing that mattered, by not being able to protect her from her own death.
As each day moves closer to that date, I struggle with what I might have done to change the outcome when I had the opportunity to do so. I struggle with those thoughts every day, because there is no answer for me. Questions without a resolution.
Logically, I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent her passing, but logic holds no solace for me. To face the fact that I could do nothing to change the outcome, is just not an acceptable premise. There must have been something, and yet, I cannot accept the fact that I had no power to produce a different result.
These thoughts have torn me apart for all of these years, and while I thought I might be able to now overcome them, I realize I was only fooling myself.
My three friends are back and all I can hope for, is that they have lost some of their power over me. As the date inexorably moves closer with each passing twenty-four hours, I dread the prospect of falling back into the darkness.
The darkness was a comforting and safe refuge from the prying eyes and judgmental actions of those who knew us. I have to wonder if that place is still my safe haven.
Surprises in The Road of Life 