Entry #57: Power and Control

Control is the cornerstone of my existence. When Annie passed, I lost all control over my emotions and mental faculties. Over the past twelve plus years, I not only regained control, but managed to use my control to build walls around my emotions and feelings that are so formidable, that no one can see through to me.

My walls have kept everyone out, and kept the safety of my dark places intact. As a result, I share nothing with anyone in regards to my pain, my grief or the daily suffering I feel I need to endure in order to maintain my beautiful memories of Annie. This blog is the only place in the world where I have felt safe relating the bizarre thoughts that are a constant in my mind, wherever I go and in whatever I am doing.

The loss of control over what I think and what I say, is the stuff of nightmares for me. I could not and would not bend those walls in order to allow anyone else to see inside. Over these years, there have been numerous opportunities to make new friends, or deepen the friendships I have, and yet, I managed to control who I would allow to get close enough for a glimpse into what lies beneath the surface, and thereby, controlling the power that is so willing to strike at me at the slightest opportunity should I decide to share anything.

I have been confident in my ability to shut out and shut down any attempt to breach my walls. I have been comfortable in the fact that I maintain complete control over what I present to the world. Perhaps, my confidence was misplaced. With sudden swiftness, my walls were broken when I least expected it, and when I took my eye off the reason for having them at all.

Some months ago, I met someone, and we have become good friends. We do not see each other daily, at best once a week or so depending on our schedules. We sit and talk about many different subjects. I love spending these times with her, learning all about her past and her dreams for her future.

But…she scares me.

She scares me not by asking some of the questions I have forever relegated to the place where the answers cannot be revealed. She scares me, because when she asks, I answer. I never answer anyone, and yet, she has the power to allow me to go to the places I would never go to for anyone else. And that scares me, because it means I have lost the power to hide myself from her through my control mechanisms, and she now has the power to see me.

No one has “seen me” for almost thirteen years, and suddenly I am faced with the fact that I care for someone so much, that I am willing to reveal what is behind those walls. In one respect, she has given me a peace that has eluded me for all of these years.

But, this peace comes with a price. Since she also reveals many things about her life before I met her, I find that I worry about her quite a bit. I worry about the pain she endured growing up, I worry about the obstacles thrown in her path that she has overcome, I worry about the opportunities she is being presented, because I want her to be able to seize them and use them for growth and happiness.

When I think about it, it appears I have given my power over to her. She only has to ask, to get a response. And that…means I have lost control over my power to hide. At least from her.

After all of these years of pain, I can say that I am comfortable in giving her my power. Without the power over my control, perhaps my healing can begin.

Entry #56: Yin and yang

In ancient philosophy, yin and yang is a concept of dualism, describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnects, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. -Wikipedia.

Light and dark.

It can be argued that everything in life is a struggle between light and dark, and at times, it is not so much of a struggle as it is that of a duality of personalities, that while seeming to be different, may actually be two sides of the same force.

For the year that I had Annie, my life was filled with light. When she passed, the darkness took the place where the light once resided. Annie had her light and dark moments to be sure. We all have them, and yet Annie was a force that could push the dark moments away with her smile. Her skin color against mine, was like an aphrodisiac, and I made the most of every moment possible when I could enjoy that difference.

Once she was gone, there was no longer any light/dark interaction to enjoy. It seemed that everything now resided in the dark side of yin and yang.

For years now, my dreams were dominated by my memories of Annie, but recently, something changed. More and more often, someone else appears in my dreams in the moments before I awake. She has become my muse of sorts, regarding my writing. Our discussions do not seem to have any boundaries, as we ask each other personal questions that we are both willing to answer. Stories we both have kept locked up, now seem to have found a partner in discussion and empathy.

We seem to enjoy some version of yin and yang. Sure, we both have dark stories to tell, and by listening to each other, we can pull light out of those dark stories. The yin and yang, back and forth, have opened my mind to a place of peace that has evaded me for years.

When she is serious and relating her stories, I can observe her strength and when she moves to lighter topics, her smile will light up the room. As I listen and absorb her stories, I marvel at the melanin color of her skin, and wonder what it would look like to see her body against the whiteness of mine. Could the texture, feel as smooth as it looks?

Yin and yang. Light and dark. Melanin and white.

Entry #55: Silk

Annie and I were scheduled to meet up in Montreal one afternoon. I loved the old city, as that seemed to be the only place where Annie could let her guard down and just be herself. Another benefit of meeting there is Annie always managed to come up with some sort of surprise for me.

We were very cognizant of traveling in the winter time and managed to do a pretty good job of avoiding any delays, but this time mother nature caught us. My afternoon flight was cancelled due to weather, and by the end of the day, all that was left was a redeye, so that is what I ended up with.

Landing early in the morning, I looked to see if there was a message from Annie, but nothing. We had said our goodnights the previous evening and I was pretty sure she was still asleep, so I didn’t bother to call and wake her up.

As is our usual ritual, she had left a room key for me at the front desk, so I grabbed a quick cup of coffee and headed up. I did a pretty good job of being quiet as I let myself into the room, and left everything by the door so I wouldn’t make any noise.

And, there she was, sound asleep in the bed. I must have watched her for at least a half an hour. I could never get enough of watching her, as she was the most amazing person I have ever met. Something was different, yet I couldn’t quite put my finger on it for a few minutes, and then it dawned on me.

The sheets on the bed were not white as is usual. They were a darker color and Annie seemed to have melted into them. Being asian, her skin color was like a very light caramel color and it seemed that the fabric melded with her coloring in an amazing way.

She must have sensed that I was there, because suddenly her eyes opened and she smiled in the way only she could to get my total attention. She pulled back the sheet and asked me what I was waiting for, and she only had to ask one time. Turned out the sheets were silk and she had purchased them the day before for a surprise. This was the first time I had ever been in a bed with silk sheets and the feeling as so amazing. Silk sheets and the woman of your dreams. When I closed my eyes and moved my hands, I could not tell where the sheet ended and her skin began. It was as if she was one with the silk. It was a form of sensory overload and we made the most of it.

I don’t know what ever happened to those sheets. I wish that I had them now, and wonder if her scent would still be on them after all these years.

Entry #54: They Are Back

So, it’s been a couple of weeks since those three little words I wrote about, removed the dark cloud that always seems to follow me. At the time, I wondered how long that would last, and apparently I now have my answer.

Not long enough!

Last night, my mind recognized the fact that in 5 short weeks, I will be noting the thirteenth anniversary of Annie having left this world. Thirteen years of grief and guilt for having failed her in the only thing that mattered, by not being able to protect her from her own death.

As each day moves closer to that date, I struggle with what I might have done to change the outcome when I had the opportunity to do so. I struggle with those thoughts every day, because there is no answer for me. Questions without a resolution.

Logically, I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent her passing, but logic holds no solace for me. To face the fact that I could do nothing to change the outcome, is just not an acceptable premise. There must have been something, and yet, I cannot accept the fact that I had no power to produce a different result.

These thoughts have torn me apart for all of these years, and while I thought I might be able to now overcome them, I realize I was only fooling myself.

My three friends are back and all I can hope for, is that they have lost some of their power over me. As the date inexorably moves closer with each passing twenty-four hours, I dread the prospect of falling back into the darkness.

The darkness was a comforting and safe refuge from the prying eyes and judgmental actions of those who knew us. I have to wonder if that place is still my safe haven.