Month: December 2020

Entry #49: Nature

Annie wasn’t a huge fan of nature. It took quite a few trips into the forest or on various hikes, before she was able to enjoy the beauty I so desperately wanted to share with her.

One time I specifically wanted to take her to one of my favorite places, so we grabbed a spare blanket and pillows from the hotel and off we went to explore. Once we arrived, we set up next to a small stream so we could enjoy the sounds of the water and the birds in the neighboring trees.

After a while, Annie lay down with her head in my lap and totally fell asleep while I stroked her hair. I was so surprised that she was so comfortable that I began to think of all the issues she had. Annie had a lot of issues, most of them surrounding her fear of not being accepted and all the roadblocks thrown in her path due to being transgender.

The longer I sat with her the more issues I could list, and I quickly realized how unequipped I was to be able to help her through all of them. I didn’t even know what I didn’t know, and felt like I was failing her each time one of her issues came to fore.

This was one of the hardest moments to come to grips with. I knew most of her issues by this time, and yet I had no idea how to help her other than to continue to show her how much I loved her.

In a few short months after this day, she passed, and my feelings of having failed her overcame everything I tried to do. How could I have allowed this to happen to her? I had no answers then, and in the aftermath and through the advancement of technology over the years, I was now able to research quite a bit regarding her situation, yet it gives me no solace to know now what I did not know then.

And yet, despite all this time that has passed, I cannot shake the dread in my heart that I failed her when she needed me the most. I am an old guy now, having lived the last 12 plus years without her. I am not sure how many years I have left myself, but what I do know is that the hole in my heart is not fixable. Going through the motions most days, her spirit is with me in everything I do. My friends constantly ask me what is on my mind and why I have become somewhat of a recluse. There are no words I can share, as Annie’s passing has brought such overwhelming sorrow to my life that I cannot bring myself to trust anyone with my feelings.

Entry #48: Hot Dogs

Annie always had the ability to surprise me when I least expected it.

One of the things that we enjoyed doing together was going out to dance clubs in certain cities where she thought she was comfortable and not threatened. One of those cities is San Francisco.

So it was one night, that we went out a little later than we normally would to a club where we had not been before. A great time was had, especially doing a lot of people watching. People were definitely dressed for a good time And it was fairly crowded.

By the time we decided to leave, we were pretty hungry, and it was into the early hours. I doubted we would be able to find an open restaurant, but to my surprise, there was a Mexican hot dog cart outside of the club.

Now, we all have preconceived ideas about different things. Annie wanted to get a hot dog. I was shocked! Not only had she never said she liked hot dogs, but the idea of watching her eat a hot dog made me laugh. It just seemed to be so incongruous to watch her eat a hot dog while standing in the street with mustard seeping out of the bun and onto her lips. I wish I had a picture of that moment.

Even a hot dog can surprise you at some point..