Month: October 2020

Entry #44: Sometimes

Sometimes it is the smallest of observations that allow me to enjoy the moment.

Not very long ago, I met someone over a creative project. We had a good time, and it worked out well, and we found out that we were both writers.

In exploring our writing, we found ourselves meeting weekly to discuss writing ideas and bounce them off each other. Surprisingly, these meetings never did cover the writings, but allowed us to get to know each other better through the telling of our life stories and experiences.

And that is the part of this post that brings all of these thoughts to digital paper, so to speak.

It is the small observations that these meetings give me…

It is not the words so much as the spaces between them that have impact. When she pauses in her description of something to gather the next thought, it allows me to just watch as she pulls that all together.

While watching I observe how perfect her hands are formed, with unpainted, yet perfectly shaped nails and fingers.

She makes mexican coffee for us and I enjoy watching her as the process unfolds.

She probably doesn’t know this, but her eyes change in darkness or lightness depending on the story she is relating. And often, I totally lose the thread of the conversation, because I am so engaged in watching her. Watching for those little things that only sometimes reveal themselves.

I think we have embarked on a good friendship, and that causes me to think of her quite often between these visits. I will see some small happening and later wonder what she might think of that had she seen it.

Sometimes…a friendship can be just that. Enjoying the small observations and just being in the present with another person who you enjoy spending time with. No pressures, no preconceived ideas. Just being in the moment.

Waiting…for the next surprise that comes in the spaces between the words.

Entry #43: Safety

It did not take long after Annie and I met before I learned of her fear for her own safety.

The stories that she shared about Ellen and her growing up and facing the world, forced me to take notice of the world around me in ways that I never anticipated.

I made sure that whenever we were out together, I would always be sure to scan the faces of those around us, and ensure that no one ever got too close as to make her uncomfortable.

But, it was the time alone with her while she was sleeping, which I found to cause me to worry more than I could explain. I loved to lay and watch her sleeping, lay my head down on her chest so I could listen to her heart. However, inevitably my thoughts would focus in on what else could I do to ensure her safety. I knew that there was a lot of discrimination in this country, but I had never had to deal with it on a personal level before. Hours would go by some nights while I wrestled with the fact that her fears had now become mine.

Short of leaving the country to make a life together in a safer place, there did not seem to be any other viable solutions. Over time, we discussed this and made our plans. Plans that we were never able to complete.

So, here I am, 12 years and seven months later. Over the years since her passing, I haven’t given a lot of thought about the state of the country. And yet, while there has been much progress regarding equality and the struggle for many groups to find a voice and be heard, it seems like every week I hear of more murders committed against people of color for no other reason than hate.

To be sure, Annie was part of that group. Although the terminology has changed over the years, make no mistake that the hate and discrimination that might have been more subtle back in those days, is still with us and the current regime in this country now advocates outright violence for their extremist followers.

The regular murders of transgender women of color in this country is sickening and heartbreaking. I don’t have a magic wand to come up with a solution. All I have is my memories of Annie and yes, Ellen, and wonder what their lives could have become were they still here.

From where I sit, if something major does not change after this election, then I honestly have to wonder if this country can survive to ensure true equality. More and more, I come to the conclusion that his country no longer holds value to me if there is no equality. Canada is calling, once the borders are open again. Leave or stay. Whichever I decide, my memories of Annie will always be with me.

Just a thought…