Entry #23: Waking Up

I don’t sleep much since Annie died. Most nights I sleep for four to five hours.

I do manage to spend that time dreaming. My dreams encompass every little detail of my life with Annie. All of our trips, meals, events we attended and even down to the minute details of our intimate time together.

The problem I have is with waking up in the morning. When my eyes pop open and I realize I am awake, it’s always with disappointment. Waking just kills my dreams of Annie and leaves me with another day to get through without her.

I don’t know how to get past this part. It sometimes seems like a never-ending circle or ground hog day every day. I wake up waiting for the light that never comes. Annie was the light and when that was snuffed out, there left little but darkness.

So, every day I go about my routines. I have projects I am working on, but they are fractured. All of them started, yet I am easily distracted by my thoughts of Annie that constantly pop into my mind at any hour of the day or night. At times I wonder if any of them will ever get finished.

At the end of each day I know there will be sleep. That is when my mind is clearest. I can relive every moment of our lives together in vivid color, hear her voice and feel her just as if she was there in bed with me.

If only I could sleep with her longer, perhaps it wouldn’t be so hard to be awake.

Entry #22: The Eyes Have It

Some time ago, during one of my storm walks on the beach I met a young woman. I will call her B.

She is everything Annie was not. Annie was very tall and rail thin. B is on the short side with beautiful curves. Annie had solid dark eyes in which she could hide her emotions until I became able to read them. B has very light colored eyes and in those eyes I see a calmness and serenity I did not see in Annie. Annie was a fashion maven and overachiever, while B seems a throwback to an earlier time. B lives a simple life without a lot of possessions and a freedom that comes with youth that I have long ago lost. I am also old enough to be her father.

During that first meeting, B told me that she is a witch and comes to the beach during storms to absorb the dark energy that gives her power. It made no sense to me but I told her I come to the beach to embrace the darkness of loss. We had a nice chat and went on our ways. I have run into her every so often at the beach and we always say hello and she then moves on with her friends.

I don’t have her phone number, address or know much else about her but with a recent storm hitting the west coast, I reached out to her on social media, told her I was going to the beach and asked if she wanted to join me to enjoy the storm. She agreed and we decided on a spot.

So there we found ourselves, a young woman and an older man sitting in the dark in the warm rain on the beach, shoulders touching and not saying a word. She would draw some sort of witch figures in the sand and I would draw Annies name. The rain would wash them away and we would repeat this over and over again. We stole glances at each other every once in a while and I think she could see my tears but she said nothing.

After a while she grabbed my hand and just held on. I could feel the vibrations of her saying things while she drew in the sand which I took to be something about her witchcraft but it was hard to hear the words over the waves and rain.

We sat like that for quite a while until she stood up. I took that to mean she achieved what she wanted from the storm. We gave each other a hug goodbye and she said, see you at the next storm. I said yes, that would be nice.

I normally prefer to sit in my own personal darkness at these times, but in this instance for some reason, I decided to share my space. I don’t know if I will do it this way again, but it wasn’t a bad experience at all. I appreciate that we shared the space, but what if she asked about my personal demons? I cannot reveal to anyone in person what I reveal here. Anonymity is my line in the sand.

She exudes a beautiful aura that I am sure will capture some young guy. I enjoyed her presence that night on the beach and perhaps it will repeat itself or not. Either way, I draw my strength from being alone now. No one can replace Annie, nor will I allow anyone to get close to me like that again.

She went her way and I mine, back to our respective cars to change into dry clothes as ours were soaked through and through. After changing, I sat for a few minutes thinking she has a beautiful soul that just shines through her eyes. I don’t know anything about witches or witchcraft, but if she was presented to me as a beautiful vampire with those remarkable eyes…now that would grab my attention.

Entry #21: Our First Kiss

I grew up in a big city. I lived in good and bad neighborhoods. I didn’t personally experience any discrimination even well into adulthood.

When you just hang around with a bunch of your male friends for years, you inevitably hear trash talking about a lot of different subjects. There were always side comments from certain males I knew. Comments about Blacks, Asians, Hispanics and Gays. There was a special disdain for Transgender people even though most of us had no idea what that meant.

Now, I don’t really know how to explain to anyone what it was like to live in an environment where this went on all the time, when you consider most of us didn’t even know anyone in several of these groups. Sure, I had some black and hispanic friends but I had no first hand meetings with anyone who was asian, gay or transgender. Most of these terrible comments I attribute to what they heard at home or grew up hearing between themselves. Every group had a stereotype that people would exploit for laughs, whether any of it was true or not. I would protest and refuse to take part in any of it, but in truth, I was the only one. To this day I cannot imagine why no one else had an opposing opinion. I do believe that people are easy to judge those who they think are different from themselves. An awful lot of people are small minded and can easily be manipulated into bigotry and discrimination.

So it was, that after meeting Annie and her telling me on our third meeting that she was born a boy, I didn’t know how to process that. We knew right away that there was something special between us and that first kiss was going to happen right then and there. She was pretty clear in her fear of that moment as she had never kissed a male. I said all the right things and I wanted that kiss more than she could have imagined. But, at the same time, my mind was reeling. I knew in my heart she is a woman but my mind began playing tricks on me.
Wasn’t she born a boy?
I had never kissed a male.
But SHE IS a woman.
But, she was born a boy.
But, look at her she is a woman!

She looked at me with these huge eyes for the first time and I knew this was the moment. I leaned in and we kissed. Before I knew it we were embraced and kissing with a passion I had never experienced.

My mind was wrong. She was 100% woman. She looked like a woman, smelled like a woman, tasted like a woman. Everything I ever heard about transgender women was wrong. Everything I had heard about asian women was wrong.

I knew right then and there that I loved her with my whole being. Nothing would ever be the same again as long as she was in my life. I had kissed many women in my life. Annie was the first woman I kissed who would change my life.

Entry #20: Inevitable

It had to happen sometime. I just didn’t give it a thought and do anything to prevent it.

Annie and I had our own apartments in our own cities and seldom did we share nights in either of them. We spent so much time on the road, that hotels became our home.

In particular, the three cities we visited most often and liked the best, we made a point to stay at the same hotels and even requested the same rooms for our visits. Since we were regulars and the staff at each came to recognize us it was an inside joke that we always took the same rooms even when we did not ask. Upon making the reservation, those are the rooms we were assigned. I suppose there was a notation in our records.

Last year I made a last minute trip and without thinking, made a reservation in one of our favorite hotels. Upon check in I was given the room number of the room we had stayed in so often. I asked for a different room and was informed sorry the rest of the hotel is filled up. I said maybe I should find another hotel and the desk clerk said almost everything in the city is booked for a huge convention so I was stuck.

My anxiety levels went through the roof after getting into the room. The table where we shared so many meals, the sofa where we watched so many movies… And then the bedroom where I watched her sleep so many times, where we made love so many times…

I didn’t sleep at all that night. All I could focus on was what she looked like sleeping, how she felt and how she smelled. Even after all this time, every little thing about her is still crystal clear in everything I do and every place I go. I cannot see any path to move on.

Entry #19: Alone In The Crowd

It’s hard to explain what loneliness feels like when you are surrounded by other people. Conversations take place on a variety of subjects but with increasing frequency I quickly lose interest and find myself drifting away into my own thoughts.

I lost more than I ever knew when Annie passed away. It wasn’t just that I had lost the woman of my dreams who I had waited all my life for. It wasn’t just losing the woman I committed to spending the rest of my life with. It wasn’t just losing the woman who loved me as much as I loved her.

I also lost the woman who I shared my deepest thoughts and fears about our relationship and she shared back. It takes a special person who is willing to make the effort to listen to what someone else has to say, to feel empathy for that other person and to join into a meaningful conversation. It is an unbelievable challenge to find someone who will listen after losing the one person who did.

When you try to find another person you can connect with on that level, you find in short order where to look. I have plenty of male friends and the truth is, not one of them fall into that category. I think it is a male thing. Males have a difficult time relating and talking to another male on that level. At least that is my experience.

Females however, no matter how they identify as such seem to possess the ability to show empathy and the willingness to engage. I have been trying to find someone with that female perspective to engage with but without success. It’s not about meeting someone to begin a relationship. It’s not about meeting someone for sex (although the human touch contains so much power that I truly miss). No, It’s about meeting someone you can establish a friendship with and to be able to engage in those deeper conversations.

I have met a couple of women I thought might fit the bill, but it doesn’t look like it will happen. So what I am left with is this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. It might be hard to imagine, when you are surrounded by people and conversation, but it is real and there is no escaping it. I haven’t decided yet, but I may just stop looking.

The decision has already been made to not seek another relationship because I will never betray what I had with Annie. Not finding that new friendship may also continue to be elusive, and if that is the case, then loneliness could be my new reality. Sometimes there is safety in being embraced in your own thoughts.