We all have our demons. I went through a lot to get control over mine and over the last ten years have been successful at keeping them at bay. Most of my demons revolve around losing Annie a little over ten years ago. I manage to keep control over these demons by compartmentalizing everything about that time in my life and by only selectively keeping the loving memories alive. After ten years I still refuse to deal with her passing and the darkness that permeates my life when that comes to the surface.
A good friend passed through town last night and we decided to grab a few drinks on his layover. We have not seen each other in quite a while and since he was the friend who rescued me after Annie passed, it would be good to see him. Everything started out quite well and the conversation flowed right along with the drinks. And then he hit me with a real gut punch. He showed me a few pictures he had saved of Annie and myself together. In his defense, he had no idea how I would respond to seeing those. I have spent ten years hiding any images of her because I knew just seeing them would cause those demons to resurface. Ten years of keeping the memories alive in my mind and refusing to face the reality of what happened. When he rescued me from his beach house in Mexico the story goes, I was surrounded by alcohol bottles and grasping her pictures in my hand. He obviously saved the pictures as well as me.
I just sat there stunned for I don’t know how long. To see those images in front of me and the fact that she was even more beautiful than my memories just broke me down. I was not prepared to ever see those again. The safety of my memories was now broken. I can’t even imagine how to move forward. Ten years of keeping those demons locked away and now they are back.
There might be one positive result of last night but I hold out little hope. I saw a different me in those pictures. I was healthy and fit and wore stylish clothes. After she passed on my life went to hell and back. I gained forty pounds and stopped caring about most everything. I lived, but I wasn’t living if that makes any sense. Perhaps I can use this episode to get back into shape. I still have a gym membership that I have not used in those ten years. Maybe I can use this to motivate me again. It may take even more years to be able to look at those pictures again. At my age I doubt there will be another relationship, but the gym might become a substitute.
Surprises in The Road of Life 