Hiding In Plain Sight
I have been attempting to start this blog for quite some time without success. Recently, someone I know wrote a post that became the trigger for this introduction. She couldn’t have known, and will never know, because she in fact does not know the actual me. She’s never asked.
Growing up in a middle class household, there wasn’t much lacking. Except for one pretty important thing. There wasn’t much love spread verbally. Actually none at all that I can recall.
One always looks to parental input regarding the fact that they do in fact love their children. I don’t think that my siblings or I ever heard those words. Not only did we not hear the “I love you” sentiment from either of my parents, there was a total lack of verbal approval for any of our accomplishments. Never an “I am proud of you” for this or that.
It took many years to realize that the complete lack of verbal parental love or approval during those formative years, leads one to hide their feelings. And, that can easily allow you to compartmentalize everything into little boxes. Once you start down that slippery slope, it is hard to regain equilibrium. As years pass by the little boxes get bigger, stuffed to overflowing with more hidden thoughts and you gradually squeeze out the light, leaving you with a head full of dark boxes filled with dark thoughts.
On the surface, to your friends and people you meet, all seems well enough. But it isn’t. You put on a happy face, people come in and out of your life, but no one really knows what goes on inside your head. No one really knows your true self. No one asks.
You hide all of that. It is all too easy, as there are so many ways to hide. You hide behind your professional accomplishments, various relationships, sports you take part in. Easiest of all is to hide behind any creativity you might have, your music, your art, and your writings. You present yourself on all of those platforms and people will comment and possibly praise what you present to them, but it is in the end unfulfilling. You take it all in and walk away. The fact is, they do not know you. They only know what they see on the surface.
Most of the time this works out pretty well. But you have no way to know when someone or something will trigger the key to unlock those dark, hidden spaces. When that trigger happens, one of two things may result. One trigger can allow the light to shine in bringing some new insight and clarity. Or, it can bring those dark thoughts to the surface, turning them even darker and have you struggling to slam the box shut harder than ever before. Once you have them, the dark thoughts are always there. They are just boiling below the surface, looking for any excuse to escape and consume you.
It was quite surprising then that some years ago, I actually met someone who managed to trigger both. We met quite unexpectedly, in a situation that might never have been repeated. She brought a blinding light into my average life that was all consuming. She had such a contradictive personality. She was fierce, and strong in her business life, yet vulnerable and with an innocent sense of wonder about the world in her personal life.
For some reason, I became the one she would share her story with and it went both ways. The hiding was put to rest and the more she revealed the more light was unleashed. Over time, the stories, the quiet moments, and shared experiences came with knowing someone on the deepest level by taking the time to ask who they really are and in turn listening to their answers. That type of bond requires no hiding. It is an unbreakable bond that keeps the darkness at bay.
Until it breaks.
It was broken on the night of her ultimate victory that morning over her lifelong biological struggle when her heart simply failed. And that failure became the other trigger.
The trigger was instantaneous, bringing forth a rage and despair that unleashed all of those boiling beneath the surface thoughts from all of those black boxes hidden away for all of those years when there was light. So although ten years have passed, the darkness is now the place of safety. The walls against the light are now stronger than ever. They have to be, because to allow for a trigger to possibly bring in the light again, an open the door for the second trigger exists. And that is a chance that cannot be allowed to repeat.
The hiding is once again the safest place, since no one really knows you. They can’t know you because they won’t ask. They only see what you give them.
Surprises in The Road of Life 